Special News Report: Get Your Go Bags Ready

From behind the zombie bunny cages of RC Murphy
Alert Level: High

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Commander Monday segment to bring you vital information which may indicate the zombie apocalypse may be heating up.

Often we hear news tidbits that force us to double-check our go bags and weaponry. However, nothing caught our attention about the reality of what we’re facing in the near future like this news article from the Miami Herald.

Here’s a rundown of what the police have released so far. On Saturday May, 26th at approximately 2:00 PM local time, police received reports that two men were in an altercation on a bicycle path alongside a freeway off ramp. Police arrived on the scene and described the situation as a nude man hunched over another man…apparently eating his face.

Yes, you read that right. They claim that the attacker chowed down on the victim’s face. Police used verbal warnings to break up the situation. When that proved ineffective, they shot him. The first shot had no apparent affect. Five more shots were fired into the attacker, according to witness reports. The attacker died on the scene. Paramedics took the victim to a nearby hospital in serious condition—his face unrecognizable.

Police theories right now state that the attacker was suffering from “cocaine psychosis”, which drives a person insane as they literally cook from the inside out (this also explains why he was found nude during the assault).

The police are allowed their theories. We’re allowed ours. Numerous ZSC brigadiers brought this article to our attention, and we thank them for that. This may indeed be a drug-induced psychosis as Miami police claim. Or it could be the first wave in zombie activity. The fact that the man did not react as a human should when the first shot was fired is disconcerting. Lack of pain response is one of the first signs we look for when determining if a person is in fact infected by the zombie virus. It is very rare that psychotic rages push someone to the point of devouring a living human, despite what we’ve seen in the movies. There must be something more to the story than what they’re telling the public.

Also, it is significant to note this incident took place while our commander-in-chief, Juliette Terzieff, is at Spooky Empire May-hem educating the masses on how to respond during a zombie apocalypse. Coincidence? We don’t think so. The chief has checked in to assure everyone her go bag is with her and ready to go. She has given the pre-deployment signal to command, so we are standing by awaiting her further instructions at this time. We are on high alert, and this is NOT a drill.

Please, be on your guard. We will be keeping a close eye on any further reports from the Miami police regarding this situation.