A. Zombie Reviews: Dance of the Dead

Teens battle angst. Teens become all over-dramatic about silly things, like who kisses whom and who is going to prom. Oh and then a nuclear power plant pollutes the town and they are forced to band together and become badass zombie slayers. Dance of the Dead (2008) is your typical teen flick, tuned up to 11.

I remember my prom like it was yesterday. Everyone was envious of me. I had the captain of the cheer squad by my side. Screaming. Dinner that night was real romantic. We could have been soul mates… for a whole ten minutes before I ate my way into her chest cavity. Who says true romance is dead?

What caught my attention about Dance of the Dead is that right away we get zombie action. Sure, it isn’t much, but gives us a taste of gore to tide undead fanatics through the lull where the cast of teenagers is established. The opening sequence also handed me my new worst nightmare, hedge clippers.

The hardest parts of the film to sit through were the segments where our not-so-popular heroes antagonize about the prom. Respite came from a couple music video-esque moments- where, I’ll admit, I did find myself bobbing my head. But not too hard, else my stitches would break. – And let’s not forget the completely stressed and insane teachers running the school. They’re as pissed as a starved zombie. How do any of them still have jobs?

We get dragged back into the undead action with a bang. Actually, it wasn’t so much of a bang as whatever noise a springboard makes. The dead didn’t just rise; they were launched out of their graves. It made me jealous. I spent an entire day clawing my way through wood, dirt, and grass. Modern zombies, psh! They’re spoiled rookies. No one eats faces now-a-days. Go for the gut, plenty of meat there. And for hell’s sake, if you’ve been taking yoga, do not show off your agility. We voted to keep that skill secret!

Back the subject of food, why couldn’t the heroes be jocks? Geeks are too lean, most of the time, and very hard to chew through. Besides that, they also watch far too many zombie movies. It gives them an unfair advantage. (Don’t point fingers; I know I watch too many zombie movies as well.) The zombies are walking into a trap with this group… or not.

A few lessons for fledgling zombie slayers- I shouldn’t be doing this, but the embarrassment is bordering painful with how easy a meal you all are. First, car lighters are not a viable weapon against anyone, let alone a zombie. Second, keep your gun loaded. Third, and this is the most important, listen to the woman brave enough to use her stiletto shoes as a weapon. Lastly, learn what your weapon is:

“Little lady, you’ll get the machete.”

“But I don’t know how to shoot a machete.” -I smell my next meal.

Overall Dance of the Dead is a fun little flick to get your zombie fix with. It puts a twist on the typical teen movie, one that genre fans have no problem sinking their teeth into. The campy parts are as important to the show as the serious blood and gore being flung during the fight sequences. This zombie gives it a thumbs up.

::Thumb falls off::


Get to Know the Enemy: What breed of zombie is it? (Part II)

Part II of some tips for the troops from the leader of the Orange Brigade ~ R.C. Murphy

Easily the second-most prevalent breeds of zombie are biochemical zombies. The scariest part about this breed is that they are manufactured, most of the time by secret government agencies. Wait—aren’t we working for a government agency?

Within the biochemical classification of zombie are a few different subspecies. Each movie, stand-alone or within a series, created its own version of the biochemical zombie. The Living Dead movie series (not to be confused with Romero’s Dead movies) utilizes a substance known as Trioxin to mutate the living and the recently dead. Trioxin zombies are highly intelligent, retaining their human memories and often work in packs like wolves. Unlike the other zombies explored, this subspecies ingests brain matter. Once the chemical mutates their system, they will begin to crave it. Live persons infected with the gas retain a human appearance longer. If you hear of this subspecies in your area, be wary of who you approach. And for heaven’s sake, do not invite one of them over for dinner!

Trioxin is a tricky thing. As a gas it passes easily through the air, but can be contained. However, the infected are rather difficult to kill. Fire destroys them, but the smoke carries Trioxin into the clouds, leaving potential to infect an entire city. Electricity is the best method of termination for Trioxin zombies. The government has been known to collect the infected dead, though. Be advised when storing or destroying these corpses, the Trioxin is still active despite the lack of movement in the infected.

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