On March 21, 2011 a flurry of news articles sprang up surrounding a construction sign on highway 160 in South Carolina. Commuters were warned that there were zombies ahead. As you know, your command at the Zombie Survival CrewTM take these reports seriously and investigates them to help determine the threat level and whether we need to send out the alert to the brigades to get their go-bags and launch into action.
The sign was immediately dismissed as a prank, however, through due diligence, we have uncovered that similar so-called pranks also took place in 2009 in Texas and Illinois. And we’re not the only ones who are taking this threat seriously. We managed to intercept some communication by the UGA (no, I’m not saying how it came into our possession), and they have a stealth task force deployed to Fort Hill, SC to dig deeper into this occurrence. We learned, before we lost the transmission, they believe this to be someone from the university who is trying to warn the general public.
Digging deeper we found the pranks all occurred near a college or university. Most reports drawing the connection to proximity of the universities conclude college students are most likely the perpetrators of the “hoax“. We disagree. While the warnings may come from a college student, or group of students, our intel strongly suggests these signs are not a hoax or prank in any way. Based on information received, we believe the universities are dealing with various cultures, serums, and viruses, and without proper authorization have begun to dabble in necromantic experimentation. The students, who have been sworn to secrecy, have become uneasy with the direction of the experimentation and are attempting to warn the general public.
We have it on good authority that the UGA has put pressure on the media to continue to report these incidents as pranks, because it is “politically inopportune” for the truth to be released to the general public. Your ZSC command will continue monitoring the situation, and we have raised the threat level. Are you ready to respond?
My flux capacitor has been tuned up and is in excellent working order. #justsayin
Chief’s Note: Newly promoted Special Agent, Premier Protection Enforcement Division (SAPPED) officer @Wulfie_ has observed the following recent activity within Zombie Survival Crew Command.
At 9:32 PM on Feb 9th a group of ZSC members were gathered together in the Compound Mess Hall when something sped past us. Not everyone noticed, but a couple of us sensed that…something had moved through the room with such speed and stealth that it had to have been supernatural.
While inspecting the room Crew members discovered this message sent out via twitter by Sean Patrick Flanery:
“David Cameron sings it out…!!!!!!! …Amen, brother.”
Gibberish? Not if Command knows Sean. Drunk? We think not. It is far more likely one of two things. Sean was showing off his stealth abilities and decided to rub our noses in it by taking the time to leave us a note so we’d know it had been him. Or he has been captured by the same Unknown Government Agency that kidnapped Juliette and Anthony and left us a coded message informing us of the situation.
Personally, I hope Sean was just showing off and, at the same time, teaching us that we need to be on guard AT ALL TIMES. But if this isn’t the case, my guess is that LK Gardner-Griffie‘s Flux Capacitor is now in the hands of the Unknown Government Agency (UGA). LK may or may not be aware of the theft. She may or may not be working with UGA. Further investigation will be required before we’ll know.
A Flux Capacitor is the ONLY thing that explains the way Sean was able to move, undetected, in and out of a room filled with people. Because he has proven himself to be a highly regarded and trusted member of the ZSC I don’t believe he has betrayed us, or that he’s acting against us. It is far more likely that he has been kidnapped by UGA.
Sean is more than capable of avoiding capture by defending himself – as noted in my earlier report. However, being a loyalist to the ZSC, he is perfectly capable of allowing himself to be captured in an effort to locate Juliette and Anthony. It is my belief that Sean has been kidnapped by UGA and that he somehow managed to find and use LK’s Capacitor long enough to get a message to us, informing us of his abduction without being detected by the UGA. Clearly, he would not abandon Juliette and Anthony to UGA which is, probably, why he returned to wherever it is they’re all being held.
I recommend that a Red Alert be issued at once and that a full investigation begin including the following steps:
- Find out if LK and/or her Flux Capacitor are missing. Stealing only the Capacitor would have been the smartest thing for UGA to do because we’d have no reason to suspect anything was wrong or that it was missing, especially if LK is all right.
- Establish if Sean has been kidnapped and…who is taking care of Donut in his absence.
- Decrypt the coded message Sean left us.
- Ascertain if any of these events were the result of the ZSC having been infiltrated with spies and, if so, locate them.
It may be that there are no spies and that the ZSC Headquarters has been bugged.* If that’s the case we need to run a thorough sweep for all devices and remove them. It would be smart to leave several of these devices in place thus allowing UGA to believe we have no idea what’s going on. We may be able to reverse the spyware so that we can track the signal back to its origin. This may lead us to where the three victims are being held or it may only lead us to an UGA agent or two. If it leads to agents then I highly recommend allowing Neil Brown Jr., RC Murphy, and Norman Reedus to interview them in whatever manner they see fit.
- Once everyone is cleared, assign protection details around the other Commanding Officers and First Lieutenants in order to protect them from being kidnapped as well.
- Locate where Juliette, Anthony and Sean are, whether they’re being held together, and rescue them. It’s unlikely they’re being held together. At the very least Sean will be separated from them and, perhaps, kept unconscious because of his fighting abilities.
- Find, retrieve, or destroy, the Flux Capacitor so that it cannot be used against us again. Perhaps LK, if she isn’t a victim of kidnapping/mind control, or a spy, can help with this plan. Surely she and Jim Burleson can put together a plan to enable us to do this. (If Jim Burleson hasn’t fallen victim and isn’t a spy.)
- We need to kick the UGA’s ass once and for all.
*Be sure to check and get rid of the secret #zombiebunneh hidden in the main operations room – what better place for a bug than in the belly of a fuzzy wuzzy zombie bunneh? Whoever gets this job should be prepared to deal with RCMurphy by distracting her with chocolate, striped knee socks, or new blankets for her personal cave.
That is all.