A. Zombie Reviews . . . Cockneys vs Zombies (2013) By A. Zombie
Rating: NR (Adult language, violence, gore)
Starring: Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Michelle Ryan, Jack Doolan, and Georgia King
From cockneysvszombiesmovie.com
COCKNEY: A native of the East End of London, born within hearing of the ringing of the Bow Bells
ZOMBIE: A supernatural power or spell that according to voodoo belief can enter into and reanimate a corpse
SYNOPSIS: The Bow Bells Care Home is under threat and the McGuire’s – Andy, Terry, and Katy – need to find some way to keep their grandfather and his friends in the East End, where they belong. But, when you’re robbing a bank, zombie invasions makes things a lot harder. And let’s face it, they need all the help they can get when their bank-robbing experts turn out to be Mental Mickey and Davey Tuppance. As contractors to an East London building site unlock a 350-year old vault full of seriously hungry zombies, the East End has suddenly gone to hell and the Cockney way of life is under threat. Equipped with all the guns and ammo they can carry, it’s up to the gang to save the hostages, their grandfather, and East London from zombie Armageddon.
You have to love a movie which starts, not with a zombie attack, but with a fart joke and foul-mouthed construction workers. Cockneys vs Zombies takes a while to hit the undead action after the bumbling construction guys accidentally unleash the zombies lurking in a 17th century catacomb hidden under London’s East End. First, we’re introduced to Andy and Terry. The boys are obviously up to something nefarious, but the depth of their desperation isn’t completely clear until they finish delivering meals to the old folks home and set off to collect their intrepid band of misfit bank robbers. How the guys thought they could pull off the heist implies a strand of the DNA in the McGuire lineage is pure crazy with a pinch of delusion. For heaven’s sake, their disguises included fake mustaches giving me flashbacks to Magnum, P.I.
The true highlight of the film isn’t the zombies or the action (a whole five seconds of it) during the extremely successful bank heist. C vs Z’s golden goose lays in the cast of characters residing in the old folks home. They’re a laugh riot. Don’t balk in the face of shambling evil. And, amazingly, even with their replacement hips, bad hearts, and various ailments, they’re still capable of out running a zombie. Or blowing a hole in one’s head.
This isn’t a shoot-em-up zombie flick. It’s a comedy surrounding a family trying to make the best of a bad situation. There just happens to be zombies wandering around to make the situation that much more difficult. The film is also pretty truthful when it comes to showing how normal people would react and fight the undead. For instance, Emma—one of the hostages from the bank heist—attacks her first zombie with limp-wristed swings of a shovel, a load of determination, and some choice phrases to voice her frustration when the zombie doesn’t instantly keel over. Then there’s a few characters who transform into sharp-shooters, laying waste to every shambling corpse coming their way, covering both sides of the fighting coin.
Makeup FX for the general zombies are basic, but well done. No cheesy Halloween night makeup jobs where someone forgot to cover their ears. The main FX gags are amazing in their detail. At one point, Mickey ends up with a portion of a zombie hanging from his arm for several scenes. Not once did the makeup and prosthetics look rubbery or fake—as often happens in zombie films. The same goes for the few disemboweling scenes, intestines looking like actual intestines instead of rubber hoses slathered in colored Karo syrup.
Cockneys vs Zombies is a slow-moving, but hilarious addition to the genre. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea—some prefer much more tension with their undead viewing—but I believe many of you will enjoy watching this with friends. I’m giving it four punctured stomachs out of five.
Rating: PG-13 (Zombie violence and some adult language)
Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, John Malkovich, Rob Corddry
Another zombie film has hit the theaters, which means a day pass for yours truly to get out of the Zombie Survival Crew command center’s detention room for a couple hours. What is the latest zombie flick to hit the big screen? An adaptation of Isaac Marion’s novel Warm Bodies.
Boy meets girl. Boy eats girl’s boyfriend’s brain and absorbs his memories. Boy falls in love with girl and saves her from having her entrails spread over the ground. Girl begs her hard-ass father not to kill her undead love. Sounds romantic, huh? Not if you care about a little thing called necrophilia.
I had a hard time with the premise of Warm Bodies from the start. Not just because of my standing as one of the shambling undead. Zombies are, and have been for decades, soulless reanimated corpses who only want one thing—to feast on the flesh of the living. Going into the theater (hidden under a large Hello Kitty blanket), I knew I wasn’t the target audience for the film. The previews and trailers showed fresh-faced kids traversing the zombie apocalypse and surviving on the strength of their love. Call me jaded, but a gun goes a lot further to keep one safe from being eaten than doe-eyed heroic zombies.
The saving grace for the film is the smart, witty performance from Nicholas Hoult. He took what could have been dead (no pun intended) jokes and made them work with a well-timed glance or shrug. His counterpart, Teresa Palmer, started out the film strong-willed and capable of defending herself, however, as the movie progressed she became whiny, cried more than should be allowed in a zombie movie—even one billed as a teenage chick-flick—and could not keep up with the performance of her co-star. The production company did their best to make Palmer into a blonde Kristin Stewart—which is no surprise since the distributor for the film is responsible for releasing Twilight. Is it too much to ask for a young actress to thrive on her own merits? In a time when Hollywood is all about chasing trends and beating them over the head until their brains ooze across the floor . . . no. The film’s producers wanted a young woman with looks similar to someone who has been proven popular and shoved her in a role written to be dependent on a boy. And when things get too rough for her, she breaks down, cries, and then does some of the stupidest things ever witnessed in a post-apocalyptic film.
Congratulations, you replaced sparkly vampires with shambling corpses. Or did they?
The undead in Warm Bodies are vastly different from traditional zombies. The corpses, as they’re called, retain more of their humanity and are capable of minimal speech. They also move far too fluidly to be truly dead. The minimalistic effects makeup on the corpses made it difficult to tell who was dead and who was alive. I’m not saying they needed to have huge chunks of flesh falling off, but something more than pale skin and visible veins would have been nice. Again, the corpses were awfully similar to vampires.
Warm Bodies was fun to watch for the humor—most of it from R, the main corpse character. There are some cringe-worthy performances; a lot of repeated and unnecessary lines, and John Malkovich’s normal brilliance is buried under teen angst and daddy issues. As one of my undead companions said, it is a chick-flick worthy of a night-in with friends and your beverage of choice.
Overall, I’m going to give Warm Bodies three and a half gnawed-off fingers out of five. It had potential, but fell flat under the pressure to fit the current the teen movie trend of cute and heart-warming monsters instead of standing on its own merits.
I’d like to give a shout out to the Fresno Zombie Society for inviting me out to hang with them for the film’s screening. You guys sure know how to make sure a dead guy has a fun night out.
Rating: Unrated (intense violence, disturbing images, and adult language)
Even zombies get the holidays off, apparently. I even received some gifts from the fat guy in a red suit. Unfortunately most of what he gave me consisted of more movies to review. Nice going, Santa. You’re on their side, I know it. Once the holidays were over, I picked a flick at random and ended up watching Colin.
In the early days of the Zombiepocalypse, Colin is attacked and infected. After his death and revival, he ventures out into a city both generous in meals yet dangerous for the undead. Humans—zombie slayers—do their best to keep Colin and his kind down for the final count, his sister amongst them. Will she save him or join him?
Sounds awesome, right? It would have been had the plot not taken until an hour into the movie to actually manifest. Most of the footage ended up being random shots designed to show off special FX makeup skills. While I admit the gore was fun to watch, it would have been even more enjoyable if I could make sense of what was happening. Hardly any of the characters talked. Not just because they’re zombies. The few humans in the film uttered all of two lines each. By forty-five minutes in I realized all the thought and prep work went into the zombie attacks and makeup, with little thought left for an actual script.
There were a few bits that were enjoyable. Colin’s first fight sequence proves that not everyone has a knack for fighting. He must have tried to jab a pairing knife into that zombie’s skull about fifteen times before finally accidentally hitting a spot soft enough to do any damage to the thing’s brain. Why can’t more zombie slayers be this bumbling? I wouldn’t be locked up watching these movies, then.
I know that the filmmakers were trying to make the zombies sympathetic. It only worked in the case of Colin, and even then not very well. The humans in contrast with the undead were too stupid to survive. There wasn’t a challenge for them until towards the end. Even then the zombies took out half the humans that attacked them. Next time these folks want to make a movie, I’d suggest more time on the plot, less time playing with blood. You would have had something here with more thought put in.
I give Colin two-and-a-half diseased brains out of five.
There comes a point where you judge a movie by its cover… and fail miserably—complete with flailing arms and desperate cries of agony. No, the cries weren’t from victims of a zombie attack on the screen. It was me. Crying and beating against the door of my cell. Lets just get this review of DIE-ner over with, shall we?
Here’s the story we were promised: A serial killer hitches a ride to a failing diner in the middle of nowhere. Realizing the opportunity handed him when the place is nearly deserted, he kills the minimal staff and sets up his own sort of murderer’s paradise. That is, until his victims start coming back to life with a hunger for flesh.
What came across felt, for the most part, like a string of bad auditions. There was even the bad audio where one actor could be heard clearly while the other’s performance sounded muffled as they stood behind the camera. Top that off with plain ol’ bad acting and five minutes in I wished for someone to come put me out of my misery. Only one actor, the guy playing the witless sheriff, seemed to be trying to do his part with any believability.
Normally I’d say, well… if the acting sucks and the script isn’t worth a damn, lets see how the makeup effects hold up. These too were disappointing. Protip for wannabe filmmakers: fake blood from the Halloween store looks awful on screen. Opt for a higher quality “Stage Blood” or make your own. A gallon of homemade blood is cheap and doesn’t look like you dipped your actors in red food coloring, then left them to dry in the sun.
This is one of those movies where everyone, even the zombies are Too Stupid To Live. That does not make for entertaining viewing. And where I’d normally try to find something nice to say, I can’t in this case. Oh wait; there was lots of duct tape. Everyone likes duct tape, right?
DIE-ner is bad heaped on bad, topped with bad. I give it one-and-a-half severed feet out of five. Save yourself the misery and avoid this film.
Rating: NR (mild violence, sexual references, adult language)
If anyone ever tries to convince you that the ladies from the ZSC are kind and forgiving, laugh at them. They have torture down to an art form. Normally, watching zombie flicks isn’t too bad. I’ve actually enjoyed the majority of them… until today. I tried to like Last of the Living, I really did, but there were too many flaws to do the premise justice.
Three guys find themselves the only survivors in New Zealand after a zombie outbreak. Their main nemesis isn’t the undead trying the chew off their faces, but total and utter boredom, having no one else to interact with. Or so they thought… Until they blunder into a church and miraculously find a scientist working to find a cure.
The three friends are caricatures. Bad ones. You have the egotistical actor, the shy nerd, and the failed jock/musician. Ten minutes into the movie I wanted to gnaw through their vocal cords. This is a first for me; I’ve usually made it half way through before becoming ravenously hungry.
On the zombie action front, there wasn’t really any. The undead got a couple decent jump scares, but for the most part they were just slow, cheesy, and apparently not very hungry. They didn’t attack so much as stumble into the lead actors on accident. Lazy zombies starve, someone should tell them that.
One thing that did work was the fact that these characters are so self-centered that they don’t seem capable of adapting to the fact that the world as they know it has come to an end. They spend their time ogling women in exercise DVDs and worrying about getting a copy of the latest CD from their favorite band instead of worrying about the long-term ramifications of what is going on around them, the apocalypse. That character flaw was the most believable thing written into the script.
I’m going to give Last of the Living two and a half bashed in heads out of five. The premise had promise, but overall execution just didn’t work. Parts where they could have been moving the plot along were filled with bad jokes. If you want a movie to sit and watch for the sake of watching a b-movie, oh and zombie farts, this is a decent choice.
Don’t ask me why I’m on a foreign movie kick lately. They are just… there and some of them happen to look halfway decent before clicking play. Dead Snow (2009) is a good example of judging a book by its cover. The poster art for this film was what caught my interest while looking for the next movie to sink my remaining teeth into. So, I thought, why not give it a go?
Great idea. (Note the mild sarcasm.)
Dead Snow starts with a random scene where a mostly unseen menace chases a girl through a snow-covered forest. Makes not a lick of sense and I’ve come to expect that with a lot of the movies I review, to be honest. We’re then introduced to the main cast, a group of pre-med students who’ve decided to spend their Easter vacation at an isolated cabin. These early scenes where the friends banter back and forth are painful and drag on for long enough to be considered torture by the Third Geneva Convention. Things don’t begin to get interesting until a Creepy Old Man™ shows up out of nowhere to explain why the students are idiots for staying on that mountain.
What has the old coot shaking in his fur-lined boots?
Nazi Zombies.
That’s not a typo. The old guy tells a (rather long) story about a regiment of Nazis that were chased out of a local village after tormenting the residents and stealing all of their gold. No one knew where the regiment disappeared to after they made their way into the mountains, but legends suggested they became the undead, hunting the landscape for people stupid enough to tread on their turf.
After that we finally get in on the zombie action. The Nazi zombies are surprisingly agile and quick, despite the extremely cold temperatures. And, I’ve got to say, the makeup used for the movie is great. Aside from the cheesy plot and questionable acting at times, the best parts are during the series of attacks that round out the latter half of Dead Snow. It was easy to get wrapped up in the action when blood flowed like water in a stream during spring. I’d estimate that filmmakers used enough of the red stuff to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
I’m giving Dead Snow 3 ½ dismembered bodies out of 5. The ½ being for my favorite scene, a moment shot from the point-of-view of someone being eaten by zombies. I’ve never seen anything like it before… except at the moment of my own death. This is a good movie to watch on a lazy weekend afternoon. I’d skip the popcorn, though.
I think I’ve figured out why most modern zombie movies are aimed at teenagers. One- Teenagers are very tender. I’m not talking about mushy love stuff, here. Their muscles are still growing, developing. That makes them easier to chew. Two- Sex sells. Easy to understand that, right? Teens are driven by hormones and it is too easy to prey on that. Throw in boobs, a splash of blood and a few intestines; ta-da! instant zombie movie.
Night of the Living Dorks (2004) is the English translation of a really crass, humorous German zombie flick. Actually, it is the only film I’ve reviewed to date that I’ve seen once, before re-watching to review it. Even the undead have funny bones to tickle.
The movie dumps us into the world of three friends who aren’t exactly the most popular kids in school. As a matter of fact, they are laughing stalks, constantly being harassed by the school’s rugby team. And of course, one of the so-called “dorks” has a crush on a jock’s girlfriend. This is where things get weird. In a bid to win her affection, he turns to a group of Goths that dabble in Voodoo in order to convince them to do a love spell. The girl in the group, an old friend (and maybe someone that likes our dork), tells him to meet them at the cemetery to watch a ritual meant to revive the dead.
Needless to say, something went wrong.
Bumbling antics and a good, stiff breeze, alter the spell and after our trio of awkward friends leave the cemetery, they die in a car accident… only to wake up hours later in the county morgue. Great. Now they’re dead, dorky, and still don’t have any luck with the ladies.
Their luck slowly changes. As do their appetites, but devouring humans comes with a price. They begin to decay… and some “favorite” parts are snapped off just when victory is in hand. Luckily one of them carries a staple gun for emergency reattachments. (Can you say, ouch?!)
For them, like so many, the life of a zombie isn’t all they thought it would be and they turn back to the cute Goth girl for a cure. Wimps!
The juvenile humor in this movie alone gets a 3 ¾ severed fingers out of five. It’s American Pie with rotting body parts.
I’ll admit, I went into this movie fully expecting the name to be the most entertaining part. Aaah! Zombies!! (2007) was originally released under the name Wasting Away and usually when a movie goes from a darn good name to a slapstick one, it bodes ill. Not the case here, folks.
This film makes no bones about it, from the get go you realize it is going to be campy. Campy and well acted. The opening sequence is straight out of a 1950’s era nightmare: Government doctors practicing potentially dangerous experiments on soldiers and all with a catchy tune to liven everything up while things get good and undead. Because of how well this sequence works, I didn’t mind in the least that the footage was in black and white (with select colorization). It just seemed to… work.
I’ve got to hand it to the filmmakers (not an actual hand. I lost one of mine months ago…) they made some very, very smart decisions. One of them being highlighting the way the zombies perceive the world by putting everything in color. It is such a vast difference that you sit up and take notice the first time it happens. Shifting between color and black/white also leads to some comical moments when we’re bounced back and forth between points of view.
Another moment of brilliance, albeit immature brilliance, is the string of disgusting food jokes throughout the flick. Yeah, I know its stupid for a zombie to get grossed out by food jokes, but there were a few stomach-churning concoctions devoured that forced me to look away for a moment, and not to grab a snack, either. Nacho cheese and chocolate? Puke me a river.
There was a moment while watching that I forgot to take notes. (Yes, even zombies need notes to write reviews off of.) My last coherent note is, have the duct tape handy. Aaah! Zombies!! will make you split your sides open laughing, and that is the best part. Hardcore zombie movies are all well and good, but sometimes we need to sit down and simply laugh. This is the film to get your laughs with. I give this movie a shiny gold brain sticker.
I seem to have stumbled into a cesspit of teen horror flicks. However, while wading through the muck one film caught my eye: Boy Eats Girl (2005). It held just enough “different” elements from the other movies on the list to catch my interest. And, lets be honest, it’s hard to keep a zombie’s attention what with ravenous hunger pains driving us to keep moving.
The first major difference to set Boy Eats Girl away from most teen horror movies is the fact that it was filmed in Ireland. It isn’t often I even hear of a film coming out of the country, let alone one capable of biting and holding on. The second difference to set the film apart? Voodoo. The use of Voodoo in zombie movies went out of vogue a long time ago. Most filmmakers resort to biological warfare or a “Romero” take to zombie creation, and while these are still entertaining, zombie flicks originated with voodoo. It’s nice to see filmmakers digging back to the origin of a genre.
We meet our band of slightly heroic teenagers doing ordinary teenage things, most notably preparing for the end of school disco and coping with the idea of forming new relationships under the watchful eye of some rather strict parents. Think of it like Romeo & Juliet. Actually, the build up to the zombie bits are straight up influenced by the Bard with an equally tragic end for one of the characters. Distraught over her son’s choice, his mother uses a Voodoo text to bring him back to life. Only the book had been damaged. Her spell, partially completed, didn’t resurrect him, but brought him back as a zombie. Whoops!
Parents, magic is never the answer when learning how to cope with the loss of your child. Please observe safe magical practices. (The more you know…)
After this point the Voodoo portion of things is murky and the spell is passed on via the main character biting a classmate, who just happens to be a right jerk and deserved what he got. There are a few characters in this film that will make you to cheer when their fate is decided. This is in part to the script. Though I did find a few flaws with the way things were written. At one point it felt like they forgot the magic element and decided to go the gory, Saw route.
Despite that, don’t think the gore wasn’t entertaining. If anything, stick through to the end to see the most horrific use of a tractor this zombie has ever witnessed.
I’m going to give Boy Eats Girl 3 ½ bites out of five. If some of the characters had been utilized better (what was up with the priest guy?), it’d be a solid 4, maybe even a 4 ½. Watch this flick for a fun, teen zombie movie and to get a dose of blood and guts. Don’t watch expecting any in-depth look into how humanity works during the Zombiepocalypse. Some movies are just for the fun of it.
First, before anyone calls foul, I’m an educated zombie. Reading a few subtitles is not beyond my skill set. Don’t act all surprised. I manage to write these reviews, right? Good. Now… on to La Horde (The Horde).
The first few seconds of this film are striking. I’m not saying this to garner favor with our French counterparts. We’re dragged instantly into a world of extreme violence. That scene set a dark, disturbing tone and made it impossible to glance away from the screen. Forget trying to snack during The Horde. My finger sandwiches spoiled because I just couldn’t look away.
The movie puts us smack dab in the midst of a group of corrupt cops hell-bent on revenge. Their anger over the abduction of one of theirs carries the plot despite a noticeable lack of undead action for roughly the first twenty minutes as the cops track down the group of gangsters responsible. Our first taste of real blood and guts is startling, graphic, very real and not at the hands of a zombie. Few movies utilize the ungodly death rattle the dying make. It was music to my ears, or at least the one still attached.
A note on the zombies in The Horde; they are not Romero’s vision of shambling, decomposing corpses. These are freshly dead, revived only seconds after passing. Watch the resurrections, it is clear that an outside source is pulling the strings when we get the first good look at the transformation process. Even I was a tad creeped out. Undead marionettes with huge hungers and quick reflexes… I’m not a spring chicken. They’d beat me in a race for food.
Can zombies starve to death? I shudder to think so.
The characters in this film aren’t likable. At no point did I find myself pulled towards a particular person hoping they’d make it out alive. The cops are a family, but a highly dysfunctional one and the pair of brothers within the group of gangsters are ten times worse. Nevertheless, watching them band together in order to survive is still compelling in a very basic way. The need to escape a deadly situation is all consuming. Before my death I felt that driving need to make it out alive. After, well, it became all about the chase.
I will say, The Horde is a very bloody film. The language would make undead sailors blush. And there are a couple scenes that are really tense and flat-out wrong. My inner lust for gore was sated with this film. That’s saying a lot right there. I also picked up a new favorite kill, as demonstrated by the lone female in the band of survivors. She put that zombie on ice. (Bad pun, yes I know.)
My verdict? If you enjoy the grittier side of zombie flicks, pick up this movie. It feels real. The characters aren’t inaccessible because of some strange moral high ground. They were plucked out of a harsh gang-fueled reality and shoved into a situation where, for an unknown reason, the dead have been brought back and yet the most shocking violence is human against human. The living are worse than the undead. They are conscious of their decision to harm others and still do it. La Horde may not be suitable for everyone, but those it is aimed towards will love it.
COCKNEY: A native of the East End of London, born within hearing of the ringing of the Bow Bells
The true highlight of the film isn’t the zombies or the action (a whole five seconds of it) during the extremely successful bank heist. C vs Z’s golden goose lays in the cast of characters residing in the old folks home. They’re a laugh riot. Don’t balk in the face of shambling evil. And, amazingly, even with their replacement hips, bad hearts, and various ailments, they’re still capable of out running a zombie. Or blowing a hole in one’s head.
Makeup FX for the general zombies are basic, but well done. No cheesy Halloween night makeup jobs where someone forgot to cover their ears. The main FX gags are amazing in their detail. At one point, Mickey ends up with a portion of a zombie hanging from his arm for several scenes. Not once did the makeup and prosthetics look rubbery or fake—as often happens in zombie films. The same goes for the few disemboweling scenes, intestines looking like actual intestines instead of rubber hoses slathered in colored Karo syrup.
I had a hard time with the premise of Warm Bodies from the start. Not just because of my standing as one of the shambling undead. Zombies are, and have been for decades, soulless reanimated corpses who only want one thing—to feast on the flesh of the living. Going into the theater (hidden under a large Hello Kitty blanket), I knew I wasn’t the target audience for the film. The previews and trailers showed fresh-faced kids traversing the zombie apocalypse and surviving on the strength of their love. Call me jaded, but a gun goes a lot further to keep one safe from being eaten than doe-eyed heroic zombies.
Rating: Unrated (intense violence, disturbing images, and adult language)
Rating: Unrated (Violence, Adult language)
