Travel Tips From The Oracle

The chief has been called on to travel across the country on a mission for the Zombie Survival Crew, where she will meet up with Green Brigade Commander — IronE Singleton, her trusted right-hand man, Red Brigade First Lieutenant, Neil Brown, Jr., and me (the Oracle — Commander of the Purple Brigade). Since this is the first time our fearless leader has traveled on ZSC business without the use of her trusty workhorse truck, and since she’s practically lived in it for months on end, I decided there were a few reminders she might need.

  1. You don’t need to carry your whole life with you. This is a short jaunt and you’ll be back in time to leave in your beloved truck for the next mission. Keep the truck packed and only bring essentials. Commercial airlines DO weigh luggage.
  2. While it may pain you to leave it behind, it is best to remain circumspect with the airlines because the government is controlling the baggage, so leave the trusted crossbow at home.
  3. (And this is one from personal experience) Do NOT attempt to carry on a pink plastic stick…. Airport security does not find this amusing and will put you in jail for the attempt.
  4. You are not in control of the itinerary. The airline has commissioned pilots and they give the directions to the pilots. In fact, if you attempt to storm the cockpit to issue instructions, airplane security will detain you.
  5. The other people on the plane are not all UGA plants (although I’m sure there will be one or two, so watch your back). Do not respond with any guerrilla warfare tactics learned from Neil Brown, Jr. if someone attempts to engage you in conversation.
  6. Texting and calling is forbidden while in flight. This is non-negotiable. The rest of the commanders and I have taken up a collection to ensure that the regulation remains that way. It is the only time within the year where we can be certain of lack of communication from you. We’re all going to take a nap… after ensuring command is manned appropriately.
  7. You will be involved in some social situations during your mission:
    1. When someone reaches for you with open arms, do not run screaming the other way. They are trying to give you a hug, not chew your face off.
    2. It is best not to enter the room throwing orders left and right to bystanders as you trundle through the crowd.
    3. It is generally frowned upon in a social situation to run screaming in circles. If you feel the need, please excuse yourself and find an empty alley or bathroom (with lots of carpet to deaden the sound) to carry out this activity.
    4. Smile and nod — this works in all situations.

Hopefully the chief will be able to remember these 7 simple rules… Otherwise, the next memo from the Command Center may be about taking up a collection for bail.