Rating: R (for sequences of strong violence throughout)
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, and Michelle Rodriguez
Another field trip out of the ZSC Command Center and into the world at large. This time around, I was stuffed into the back corner of yet another undisclosed movie theater to see Resident Evil: Retribution. I’ve been looking forward to this film since last year when the first pieces of casting news went out. The main question then was, “How in the world will they bring back these old series favorites?” The answer is slightly disappointing.
The Umbrella Corporation’s deadly T-virus continues to ravage the Earth, transforming the global population into legions of the flesh eating Undead. The human race’s last and only hope, ALICE (Milla Jovovich), awakens in the heart of Umbrella’s most clandestine operations facility and unveils more of her mysterious past as she delves further into the complex. Without a safe haven, Alice continues to hunt those responsible for the outbreak; a chase that takes her from Tokyo to New York, Washington, D.C. and Moscow, culminating in a mind-blowing revelation that will force her to rethink everything that she once thought to be true. Aided by newfound allies and familiar friends, Alice must fight to survive long enough to escape a hostile world on the brink of oblivion. The countdown has begun.
First off, please note the lack of any real, solid information in the synopsis. Alice discovers more about herself, she’s been doing that for the past four films. It’s a given that, at some point, we’ll learn something new. There is always something new to learn about this character. Second, we’re lead to believe that the plot of the story takes us all over the world. Ready for your first spoiler? It doesn’t. The characters are stuck in the same building for the majority of the film. The novelty of how vast the space is wears off very quickly and leaves viewers with a sense of cabin fever about half way through.
There were a few strange style choices made very early on in the film. Do viewers really need to see the same scene played out forward and backward nearly back-to-back? Hell no. They’re not stupid. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out, you’re repeating things—not only from prior films, but from this film as well—in an attempt to find more content. Wouldn’t it have been easier to write in an actual plot that covered more, instead of rehashing old Resident Evil plot lines to try and tie them up with pretty little bows made of infected intestines? The only breath of fresh air came from characters they brought over from the video game franchise. Even then, they weren’t given enough screen time to truly get to know the characters.
Speaking of characters…What the hell was up with Jill Valentine? Okay, sure, she’s all, “Umbrella Corp is cool” in the film. However, that is no excuse for the director making the actress come across horribly. Jill Valentine was great the last time she was in a RE film. A character so many were looking forward to returning got really poor treatment. And the other characters who seemingly came back from the dead? Spoiler number two: Filmmakers used the tired troupe of clones. Yes, clones. The only entertaining thing that came from it was a joke the youngest character popped off.
Things I learned from Resident Evil: Retribution – There is such a thing as too much slow motion. A Roomba can be refitted to shoot buckshot. There are no laws of physics in the Umbrella Corp facility. Undead Soviet Soldiers have bad aim.
I’m giving Resident Evil: Retribution three and a half gnawed on spleens out of five. If you want to go watch an end-of-summer film with lots of pretty fighting, fancy sets, and no over-complicated plot to get in the way, go for it. You get what you expect going in to watch a RE movie, blood, guts, and women in form-fitting costumes. And on the off chance that you dig that sort of thing, don’t worry. RE:R leaves plenty of room for another film.
Rated: PG (scary action and images, thematic elements, some rude humor and language)
Starring: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Anna Kendrick and Christopher Mintz-Plasse
They let me out of the Zombie Survival Crew command center. Freedom! Well, not really. I was bound in chains and hidden in the back row at an undisclosed movie theater to watch Paranorman. I should have known they’d only let me out to work. Admittedly, though the movie is for young, delicious children, I did thoroughly enjoy it.
Paranorman is centered on Norman, a quiet outcast who has a very strange ability—he talks to ghosts. In his quest to remain on the fringe of society in order to not draw attention from bullies, Norman is dragged further into the weirdness that surrounds his life. His crazy uncle tracks him down and passes on a family legacy tied to his talent with the paranormal. Norman must take a book and read it at a certain location to keep a three-hundred year old witch’s ghost from hatching her curse, a curse that would unleash a band of zombies on Norman’s small home town. Except Norman runs out of time and the zombies crawl out of their graves, seeking and end to the curse.
The film opens with Norman watching a bad zombie movie with his grandmother. Within the first few minutes, both adults and children were giggling at the screen. You can’t help yourself. The humor is done in levels, entertaining the target audience and the folks forced to go with said audience.
I should note that I saw the film in 2D. 3D glasses don’t work well if you’re missing an ear. Even without the bells and whistles, the artistic talent put into the creation of the stop-motion puppets was astounding. Each of the characters, major or background, were fully detailed—down to the stitching on Norman’s mother’s ugly-as-sin “mom jeans”. The zombies were very well realized. Not too graphic so as to not terrify the children, but still pretty banged up and decayed. One can only hope to look that good after three hundred years in a pine box.
Portions of the story seem contrived to push Norman to reach certain decisions. He makes a leap in logic that left me scratching a hole in my scalp before being reminded that kids don’t have the patience to wait for a character to learn certain lessons. They’d rather see the outcome of the lesson than the learning. Doesn’t mean the filmmakers left out important moral lessons about bullying, anger management, and tolerance, though. One off-hand reveal at the end should be applauded. You’ll know it when you see it.
Overall, Paranorman is a great movie to introduce children to zombies, especially those that can’t handle overly scary things. There is an ample amount of humor laced with traditional horror elements to act as a buffer. A huge bonus is that filmmakers throw in a lot of old horror movie references for adults.
I give Paranorman four dismembered feet out of five. It is undead fun for the entire family.
Rating: Unrated (mild violence and adult language)
Starring: Dominic Monaghan, Ron Perlman and Larry Fessenden
I stepped outside my norm with this film. First, I Sell the Dead is a period piece. Secondly, this isn’t so much a zombie flick as it is a movie that happens to have zombies in it. Third, I let the casting sway my decision to watch. Hey, Dominic Monaghan made an impression in those movies about a ring or some such. Curiosity forced my hand. Good thing I’m not a cat, huh?
The film takes us through the career of a grave robber while he’s delivering his gallows speech to a no-nonsense priest. Right off the bat, what caught my attention was the humor laced in the script. There were moments that felt like one of those weird stage shows, very Waiting for Godot without all the, you know, waiting. Well there was some waiting, but that was me waiting for zombies (until I got impatient and looked in the mirror).
Via flashbacks we watch our friendly neighborhood grave robber become an apprentice and learn how, exactly, to break into a coffin. As time progresses he teams up with his mentor to grave rob as a full time job. They are forced by the tight grip of the law to look to other sources outside graveyards to procure corpses for the doctor that’s hired them. Their first try introduces the pair to the reality of vampires. After they successfully deliver the vampire’s body, the strange dead and undead begin to find them. Including the corpse of an alien, which sparks a turf war between rival grave robbing gangs. Apparently, being a ghoul is profitable enough to kill over. Who knew!
Eventually, as always happens, the final bit of fun and games happened when someone accidentally discovered packing crates filled with zombies. Our grave robbers are led into the fray by a pair of perky breasts disguising a ruthless heart and there’s a proverbial tug of war with the animated corpses that ends with someone losing their temper…and several important body parts.
While witty, some viewers may find the pacing of I Sell the Dead a bit of a turn off. This is not your usual horror flick with tons of jump scares, though it has a few moments where you don’t know whether to laugh or shriek. I give this movie three and a half severed arms out of five. If you want a dose of British humor with a swig of the morbid and dash of paranormal monsters, check out I Sell the Dead.
Starring: Brandon Routh, Sam Huntington, Anita Briem, and Taye Diggs
Zombies, and vampires, and werewolves… oh hell.
Poking around the internet usually leads me to a few shining gems as far as zombie movies goes. This isn’t exactly a zombie movie, but yet another film that utilizes zombies in some fashion. Never one to discriminate against my fellow undead, I decided to give Dylan Dog: Dead of Night a chance.
The film follows a private detective, Dylan Dog, and his assistant Marcus as they are dragged back into the realm of the supernatural for a murder case. This isn’t Dylan’s first trip around the paranormal merry-go-round and his past quickly catches up to pay a visit as he uses old connections to investigate the death of his client’s father. Luckily he’s used to dealing with the dead, while working Marcus meets with the toothy side of a zombie and is turned, without losing an ounce of his sense of humor.
Apparently in the universe of the film there are two types of zombies, those who feed on humans and those who don’t. Zombies who abstain from flesh eat worms and other gross things to get necessary nutrition. They are somewhat frail and decay quicker than their flesh-eating counterparts. All of the zombie rules were run through pretty quickly after Marcus awakes in the morgue, conveniently run by a pair of the vegan-esque zombies. I’m glad to see that for once the undead aren’t the bad guys, but instead function as comedic relief and sidekicks. About time, if you ask me.
Despite Marcus’s undead state, he and Dylan go on to do their sleuth thing. They go toe to fang with vampires and werewolves, even taking on the mother of all zombies. Oh and insert random demon, because we didn’t have enough paranormal entities to keep track of. (I had to take notes, no kidding!)
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night had a lot of potential. Unfortunately this movie suffered from casting problems. Actually, only one big, glaring problem… Routh as the jaded Dylan Dog. The character was written for someone at least ten years older. Unless there is a plot point, such as Dylan has an extended lifespan and only appears to be around 30, there’s no way to believe some of the dialog coming from his mouth. He talks of old times with the vampires and I can’t help but think, “What, you were chatting up vampires in your Pampers, dude?” If they’d tweaked the character I would have enjoyed Routh’s performance more. Instead it felt like he tried to do a bad Constantine impression.
I’m going to give Dylan Dog:Dead of Night three and three-quarter decaying feet out of five. Most of that goes to Sam Huntington for amusing me so much as a newly dead zombie. Brought back fond memories.
Well, hopefully none of you tried to keep a tally of how many walkers kicked the bucket in the season two finale of The Walking Dead. For about a minute I considered trying to keep track, then realized it’d be impossible without a DVR and a lot, and I mean a lot, of spare time, which is in short supply around here. Hey, who do you think cleans out the zombie bunny cages? It certainly isn’t a magical fairy, I’ll tell you that.
We’re going to tackle this in the order that it happened because otherwise someone will get lost. Two guesses who, the first doesn’t count (hint: the person typing…).
That helicopter is going to give me a migraine. We don’t hear anything about it since the pilot episode, and then suddenly bam! There it is again, taunting us with secrets we can’t figure out. My theory is that whoever owns the helicopter is using it to attract the walkers to a central location. Not sure if it is to kill them or contain them. What I do know is that Shane and Carl’s gunshots distracted the walkers chasing the helicopter. Talk about awful timing. One day later and the herd would be gone—all of that death and destruction could have been avoided. Except for one. Shane sealed his fate weeks ago. He just needed the right variables to put it in motion.
A few characters came into their own during the course of this episode. Daryl stepped up to the plate and is set to be Rick’s second in command if he wants it. Hershel flat-out gave me a heart attack. He was awesome with that shotgun, keeping the zombies away from the house with far more skill than I gave him credit for before now. And Andrea…wow. We knew from her training sessions with Shane that she’d become one of the group’s best assets with a gun. However, she proved that any weapon in her hands can and will be used to kill a walker. She’s also come a long way from waiting to die to fighting tooth and nail to survive—even after running so far for so long that her legs just gave out.
Which brings us to the biggest mystery of the season two finale: who was the hooded figure rocking the katana? Fans of the comic book recognized her right away, no doubt. Michonne plays a vital part in the season to come. She is a character to keep a close eye on, folks. Also, did you see her pet zombies? Why can’t I have pet zombies like that, Juliette? Is it because I use a broadsword instead of a katana? I’ll switch weapons! Ahem… ignore that outburst.
Another huge reveal is the fact that the virus isn’t contracted through swapping bodily fluid with walkers (ew) but thrives within every single living person. The disease activates when a human’s body begins to die. This would explain the vast differences in time from when someone is bitten or severely injured and changes to them dying and coming back. Amy’s turnover time still baffles me. She turned at the pace of a living conversion instead of dead. Probably to draw out Andrea’s misery. The writer’s are evil like that.
The Shane Issue segment may turn into the Lori Issue segment. Her behavior as of late irks me to no end. The topper this week is three-fold. First, she managed to lose her kid…again. Then because she couldn’t keep him in the house, she got mad at Rick after Carl was forced to save his life. The icing on the Lori-is-awful cake came when, instead of admitting her role in Shane’s death, she turned her back on the man that literally walked through hell to get back to her and keep her safe once he was there. Some gratitude, Lori. Really. You should give lessons on how to thank people for their sacrifices. It’d give a whole generation of people the fuel you threw on Rick’s fire to make him lay down the law once and for all.
In the end, is Rick’s declaration of a dictatorship really going to fly? As far as I see it, Shane won. He succeeded in what he tried to do since day one when Rick walked into camp and Lori shoved him aside to resume a life with her husband. The group doesn’t trust him now. Most of all, they don’t respect him, or if they do, it is a respect created from terror that some day if they step out of line, they’ll be the next with Rick’s knife buried between their ribs. Will he go that far to maintain order? It’s hard to tell, but we know that season three promises to be as intense as the last three episodes of season two. If that holds true, we may need to start duct-taping Juliette to her seat before new episodes air.
What did you think of The Walking Dead’s season two finale? Have a favorite moment? Share your opinions in the comments below.
Another field trip out of the ZSC Command Center and into the world at large. This time around, I was stuffed into the back corner of yet another undisclosed movie theater to see Resident Evil: Retribution. I’ve been looking forward to this film since last year when the first pieces of casting news went out. The main question then was, “How in the world will they bring back these old series favorites?” The answer is slightly disappointing.
They let me out of the Zombie Survival Crew command center. Freedom! Well, not really. I was bound in chains and hidden in the back row at an undisclosed movie theater to watch Paranorman. I should have known they’d only let me out to work. Admittedly, though the movie is for young, delicious children, I did thoroughly enjoy it.
I stepped outside my norm with this film. First, I Sell the Dead is a period piece. Secondly, this isn’t so much a zombie flick as it is a movie that happens to have zombies in it. Third, I let the casting sway my decision to watch. Hey, Dominic Monaghan made an impression in those movies about a ring or some such. Curiosity forced my hand. Good thing I’m not a cat, huh?
Zombies, and vampires, and werewolves… oh hell.
