From the laboratory of the Oracle Top Secret Alert Level: Orange
As you know, for quite some time we’ve been keeping an eye on our Orange Brigade Commander, RC Murphy. Her obsession with zombie bunnies and keeping them in the command center, despite the mischief they do, has been a cause for concern. I banned them from my laboratory last year … the third time they chewed through the top-secret communication lines was the last straw. There was much pleading and pouting, but I stood firm.
You’d have thought I was sending them all out to face a firing squad or something. *rolls eyes* Because of the delicate operations being conducted in my laboratory and all the top-secret communications being processed, compiled, and analyzed, I need a clean room environment and simply can’t have rabbit droppings everywhere. Out they scampered, little ears drooping, while following Commander Murphy as she shuffled in the lead. But enough of that ….
Our concern escalated when RC attended San Diego Comic-Con, ostensibly in stealth mode, but carrying her furry infatuation with her through the crowds. Please note the white fur-ball attached to her waist in the picture to the right. How she managed to pull off incognito while strapping a zombie to her side, even if it was a bunny, is beyond me, but it is a testament to Commander Murphy’s ninja skills. It is a known fact that zombies become excitable in crowds, like a busload of senior citizens when dropped off at a smorgasbord, so on the surface it would seem our Commander carried her fascination to the point of jeopardizing the security of the Zombie Survival Crew. However, there were no incidents. How did she convince the bunny to play dead, instead of undead?
To be clear—it is not Commander Murphy’s dedication to the Zombie Survival Crew that is in question. Her loyalty is beyond reproach. I have wondered, as the bunny horde has increased, whether or not one or more of them have been plants by the UGA (Unnamed Government Agency), exploiting the Commander’s love of small furry objects for their own nefarious ends. There has been a distinct behavioral change and Commander Murphy is not to be seen outside the command center without one of her pets lashed to her side. Come to think of it, even while IN the command center, she doesn’t move without at least one or two as her cadre.
In order to protect the Zombie Survival Crew and the safety of its members, I have taken matters into my own hands and have begun testing on the zombie bunnies. We need to know with certainty that our actions are not being reported, despite all precautionary measures, through these bunnies. So far, no recording devices, cameras, or anything foreign has been identified, but I will continue my investigation. Hmmmm—I am beginning to see why Commander Murphy has a fascination with them …
… they are EVIL CUTE.
The PROBLEM is that while they are cute, they are ALSO bunnies—which means we are quickly approaching bunny infestation level.
*ACTIVATES CRISIS MODE*
So here’s the deal *leans in and whispers* Don’t tell Commander Murphy … I have been keeping back those which I have vetted and ensured are nothing more than a normal zombie bunny. I don’t want to return them to the regular population—and they are too cute to kill—so the Zombie Survival Crew will let them go to a good home for $16.95. Let us know your brigade colors and we’ll make sure their bandages are brigade specific.
Starring: Ving Rhames, Taryn Manning, and Johnny Pacar.
Is there a complaint form available for an undead guy being tortured by a group of slayers? Honestly, forcing me to watch a Syfy movie and then retain enough of my decomposing brain cells in order to review it is cruel and unusual punishment. Governments have laws against this sort of treatment. It isn’t fair that those laws only extend to the living. I want to call my senator!
I still have to review the movie, don’t I? Let’s get this over with.
2012: Zombie Apocalypse (2011) was the Syfy channel’s answer to the current trend in zombie-related movies and television shows. Essentially, they took every single genre stereotype and crammed it into a ninety-minute film.
A virus sweeps over the globe and infects over 90% of the population in a matter of weeks, turning them into ravenous corpses. In an effort to contain the zombies, the United States government wipes out all modes of transport and communication.
After being holed up in a cabin during the beginning of the outbreak, a trio of survivors is forced out of hiding to find supplies. As they gather food, they are attacked and nearly-simultaneously saved. The survivors band together with their rescuers to stay alive. The group decides to head west—where there’s been a rumor of a safe haven on Catalina Island off the coast of California.
The dialog is predictable, as are the frequency of zombie attacks and the method of their demise. Half of the cast didn’t seem to know the hell to hold the weapon they’d been given, let alone how to swing it in a way that’d believably kill anything more threatening than a dust bunny. And can we stop with the computer-generated blood splatter, already? It never looks right. Use the extra money from that to buy backup wardrobe pieces and use real fake blood.
While I’m on makeup effects…there are typically a few “layers” from camera to background as far as extras are concerned. The zombies closer to the camera are “hero” zombies, extras or stunt persons who have extensive work done on their makeup for close-up shots. Back from them are main zombies, who are made up to be on camera a good amount of time, but not with enough detail for close ups. Behind those are “filler”—extras with minimal makeup, a lot of blood, and never get close to camera. Sometimes when a makeup department is small, they will make up masks similar to the zombie look needed for the film and put those on the filler extras. You shouldn’t be able to count seven of these masked extras in frame. It looked awful, watching them run right up to the camera and seeing the latex masks jiggle.
My final word on 2012: Zombie Apocalypse—Zombie Tigers. That is when I quit the movie.
I’m giving this film two-and-a-half partially-eaten brains out of five. If you want to torture yourself or friends, go ahead. Grab some popcorn and adult beverages; you’re going to need them to get through the whole thing unscathed.
Sometimes we have a really hard time keeping track of our Orange Brigade Commander, RC Murphy. We don’t call her a ninja just for fun, folks. She’s good at what she does.
That is why we chose RC to head down to San Diego Comic-Con this weekend. We need a scout that can maneuver through the massive crowds undetected. And with our current problems surrounding the UGA (Unnamed Government Agency), it is best that whoever takes on this mission can take care of themselves.
However, we want to test our loyal brigadiers and decided to make a contest just for SDCC.
The first person to locate Commander RC will receive a token of gratitude from the Orange Brigade—a ZSC bumper sticker signed by RC and the Orange Brigade’s First Lieutenant, David Della Rocco.
You only have Friday and Saturday of the convention to complete your mission. Any longer and your brave commander risks being discovered. Work quickly and keep your eyes peeled for something small, furry, and ravenous.
MISSION: Rescue one Moira Jones from 6th floor of over run hospital. OBJECTIVE: Search for and rescue Moira Jones and bring to safety. STRATEGY: Rendezvous with fellow members of the ZSC and use skill sets to bring Moira Jones to safety.
Jessica’s POV (With Rebecca): Rebecca, Luna, and I slowly started making our way toward the hallway directly in front of us. Rebecca was a new recruit in the Red Brigade of the Zombie Survival Crew and incredibly grateful that her machete arrived in time for the rescue mission. She ordered a special-made Billhook Machete and also brandished her desert eagle with silencer. I carried my cast iron skillet, a sword that I’d commissioned, and also a gun with a silencer. Luna had her unmatched keen senses of smell, hearing and sight even in the dark, and of course, her fangs and powerful bite. We halfway down the hall when all of the sudden Luna stopped in her tracks and let out a soft growl. “Jess, I see something down there in the hall,” Rebecca said, tightening her grip on her machete. I squinted made out a dark figure hunched over another dark figure. We inched closer. Slurping and crunching noises filled the hall—definitely a walker enjoying a meal. “I got this,” Rebecca said and moved forward. As she approached the walker, it lifted its head up and sniffed the air. Before it could even turn around, I heard the machete swing through the air, and thud—the walker’s head smacked the wall. I moved closer. Rebecca smiled and said, “Four!” “That would’ve been a hole-in-one, right there,” I joked. Surprisingly there weren’t any other walkers the hallway. We made it to a set of stairs.
Purple Brigade
“Rebecca and Jess, squirrel. We’re at the stairs.” I paused. Something didn’t feel right about how quickly we made it to the stairs. Only one walker, and that was it? “We are heading up.” I put the walkie-talkie back in my pocket. Rebecca, Luna and I made it safely to the top of the stairs and headed down the hallway. We came to a door, and we pushed it open, walked through, and froze. “Oh my God,” Rebecca said. My eyes stung with tears and I knew I couldn’t keep them from pouring down my face. Rebecca and I embraced one another, sobbing quietly. Then we heard a very soft snarl. We pulled away from each other. The tears fell even harder as we moved toward the sound. There it was, in an incubator, probably not even a week old when it had been bitten. Its entire left arm and part of its face had been ripped off. It snarled as loudly as it could—barely louder than a whisper. Rebecca and I looked at each other and knew what we needed to do, but my heart broke. I lifted my cast iron skillet over its tiny body and as I brought it down to end it’s suffering, it snarled. I fell to my knees and wept. Rebecca crouched down and we tried to comfort each other, but there was just no comfort to be had. Rebecca pulled me back to my feet. We searched the room now filled with tiny growls and snarls. There were probably twenty infant walkers in incubators. Helplessly, they all reached, hoping for something to satisfy their longing. Rebecca and I looked each other in the eyes and said at the same time, “They are not alive.” I lifted my cast iron skillet above the nearest incubator and I brought it down, before moving to the next one. Rebecca watched with tears flowing and stepped toward a snarling little body. She pulled up her machete and brought it down, ending its suffering. Our tears never ceased as we made our way around the room, and before we knew it the room fell silent. My hands trembled as I looked at the mangled and cut up bodies. “We had to do it, Jess,” Rebecca said, tears still flowing down her cheeks. “I know, but…” my voice trailed off. A noise came from the hallway. We wiped the tears from our eyes and moved slowly toward the hall. We pressed against the doors to listen and heard the shuffling of feet. I pulled the door open. Rebecca, Luna and I slipped out. We stayed against the wall and moved quietly down the hall. Something grabbed my leg and I fell to the floor hard. “Oh, crap!” A sharp pain shot up my side. I’d fallen onto my sword. Blood ran down my side. “Luna, get it!” I said as I tried to kick at what latched onto my leg. Luna snarled and growled as she pounced my attacker. She bit into it. A sickening crunch sounded as her teeth tightened down on its rotting skull. Its hand released my leg.
Red Brigade
“Jess! Oh my gosh, are you ok?” Rebecca knelt down beside me. “Yeah, just kinda stabbed myself,” I said, feeling like a fool. Rebecca reached into my backpack and found some first aid items to mend my wound. “You’re going to have to do it.” Rebecca’s eyes widened as she looked at me and she knew what I meant. I needed her to pull the sword out of my side. “Bite down on this,” she said as she handed me a towel from my bag. I closed my eyes tightly as she gripped the handle of the sword. I pictured Moira. Saw her fighting off walkers, trapped in a room with little to no provisions. Anger built up in me and I felt no pain as Rebecca pulled the sword from my side. She quickly bandaged me up and helped me to my feet. We pressed on and came to some more stairs. I pulled the walkie-talkie out of my pocket, “This is Rebecca and Jess. Squirrel, and we are about to head up another set of stairs.” I turned my flashlight on for a second to read the sign posted by the stairs. It said: “Take these stairs to get to the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th floors.” I looked at Rebecca and she looked back at me. “You ready for this?” “Hell yeah, I am,” she responded “Are you?”
GET A MAP! Seriously. This is oil country and you will get lost without that nifty folded up piece of paper. GPS is practically useless out here, too. You do not want to try to avoid the shambling hoards without one, so don’t blame me if you turn down an unmarked road thinking it will intersect with a highway and it only dead-ends into an oil rig with 20 zombified roughnecks. With that warning firmly in place, here’s a list of what highways to find and how to get to UTPB from them.
Interstate 20 (coming from the west): The interstate highway skirts the south end of town and is probably the safest route through Odessa. You can exit on John Ben Shepperd Parkway and head north for appx. 2 miles until you intersect with University Blvd. UTPB is the Northeast corner. A)If you continue north on JBS, turn into the university at the first light. Merge to the right onto UTPB Circle, then enter the parking lot to the left. The building on the right is the library, the one on the left is the Mesa. B)If you turn east (right turn) onto University, keep to the left lane and turn into the university at the first light. You will pass the dormitories and come to a stop sign. 1)left turn takes you to the same parking lot as in option “A”, which will be on your right. 2) right turn takes you past the S&T building to the gym parking lot, in which you can access the second floor of the Mesa from the ramp between the gym and the S.A.C. building.
Highway 302 (coming from the west, intersects with hwy 285 north of Pecos, TX): 302 will intersect with Loop 338. Head north on 338. (Unless you’re brave and want to drive through town, but I wouldn’t suggest it.) Take it all the way around to the other side of Odessa. When you get to the 191/42nd Street overpass, turn right (west). Now, this is where you pray that it really IS the apocalypse and that there’s no traffic, because once it intersects with the highway, you have about ten car-lengths to cross 3 lanes of traffic to the left in order to turn into the University from Preston Smith Road. Once on campus, you can either A) go straight, and the SECOND parking lot is the gym parking, where you can get to the Mesa building from the ramp or B) turn right until you get to the HUGE parking lot in front of the Mesa.
Highway 385 (coming from the north): Intersects with Loop 338. Pretty much the same instructions as Highway 302. An alternate for both of these would be to exit 338 at JBS parkway (turn right, head south) instead of at 191. Just south of 42nd & JBS is lesser used entrance to UTPB on the left, across the street from Wells Fargo. If you blink, you’ll miss it. This will take you directly to the Mesa building.
Highway 349 (coming from the north): Welcome to Midland. Take Loop 250 west until it intersects with Highway 191. Then take 191 west to Odessa. It’s about 15 miles. The first light is Preston Smith Road – turn left into the University. You can either A) go straight, and the SECOND parking lot is the gym parking, where you can get to the Mesa building from the ramp or B) turn right until you get to the HUGE parking lot in front of the Mesa. (Yes, that was a copy/paste job, smarty-pants.) You can also take Loop 191 to Highway 80/Business 20 or Interstate 20. Those instructions are next.
Interstate 20 or Business 20/Hwy 80 (coming from the east): OPTION 1 – Exit Loop 338 and head north. Turn left onto University Blvd and then turn right into the university at the first light. You will pass the dormitories and come to a stop sign. 1)left turn takes you to the Mesa/library parking lot, which will be on your right. 2) right turn takes you past the S&T building to the gym parking lot, in which you can access the second floor of the Mesa from the ramp between the gym and the S.A.C. building. OPTION 2 – exit at John Ben Shepperd and follow instructions for west I-20 as listed above.
Highways 158 or 349 (coming from the south into Midland): You’re going to intersect with I-20. Read the paragraph before this one on coming in from the east.
Highway 385 (coming from the South into Odessa): Surprise. You’re going to intersect with I-20 on the west side of Odessa. You need to go back to that first set of directions up there.
Notice! Do not expect to be able to get to UTPB from Loop 338 unless you’re using it strictly as access to University Blvd or 191/42nd Street. There are two turn-ins: a park and a (golf) driving range. Neither of these facilities has a direct road to the main campus.
We put out the call for local information on resupply stations, and the Zombie Survival Crew has responded. Information has been trickling in and we’re sifting through and compiling everything for communication to the loyalists. We’ll start by sharing some information provided by Purple Brigade member, Kris O’Dell. Because of the amount of information Kris provided, we’ll post this in two parts. The general information today and the directions a week from now.
Midland, Texas. It’s a nice place to live. Go to school. Raise a family. Work that shiny white-collar job. And a good cover for where you REALLY want to go in case of the zombie apocalypse. For that, you want to head to Odessa, Midland’s blue-collar twin fifteen miles to the west. Home of the University of Texas of the Permian Basin, and your ultimate destination.
UTPB has exactly what you need to bunker down during the apocalypse. The Mesa Building is the most defensible structure on campus and ideal for both long and short term occupation. It stands four stories tall with multiple ground floor exits, a second-story patio that wraps around the entire structure, and balconies on the third and fourth floors. There are six sets of enclosed stairwells connecting each level of the Mesa Building.
Along with multiple classrooms, the Mesa is home to the administrative offices, the student union and campus security/police headquarters. There are computer labs on the second and fourth floors. Each level also has vending machines and multiple restrooms. The patio connects to the second floor of the gymnasium, where survivors can utilize the medical clinic and shower facilities. The gym also has a weight room and a fenced outdoor swimming pool.
Other buildings immediately near the Mesa include the library, the science and technology building and the student activity center. Each building stands at two levels. Beyond the obvious cache of knowledge, the library has more vending machines and computers. The S&T building is home to another computer lab, biology/chemistry/geology labs and could possibly contain medical equipment used for training the pre-med and nursing students. The S.A.C. has a coffee shop, game room, weight room, cafeteria and the campus child care center.
Other buildings on campus include two museums, an art studio and outdoor athletic facilities. UTPB does have apartment-style student housing, but they would not be as secure as the Mesa. However, raiding them for beds and other supplies would be perfectly acceptable. The true outlying goldmine is the fire station on the south end of the campus property.
UT Permian Basin wasn’t chosen simply for the campus itself. There are several places in which to get various necessities within one mile, making supply runs a much easier task than they would be in other areas in the community. In fact, most of them are right across the street. To the north: Wal-Mart Supercenter, Sam’s Wholesale Club, Family Dollar, Home Depot, Best Buy and Academy Sports. South: University Pharmacy & Medical Supply, Westlake Hardware, Hobby Lobby and Dollar General. West: Animal Clinic and Albertson’s grocery. There are five gas stations, three hotels, a handful of shopping centers and over a dozen restaurants within the same area. Oh, and the mall is kitty-corner from the campus to the northwest.
Thanks again to ZSC Purple Brigade member, Kris O’Dell, for this valuable information.
To read more on all resupply stations, please go to our (for members only) Key Links under the Escape Routes/Resupply Stations section
Starring: Kesun Loder, Billy Connolly and Carrie-Anne Moss
Just when I was certain that the ZSC commanders would allow me to rot in my cell, they slid a DVD case under my door. Will it never end? Some idiot once said that death brought around ultimate peace, like going to sleep for the rest of eternity. That idiot lied. But at least this time around, my captors weren’t too horrible about my review assignment.
In Fido (2006) filmmakers answer the burning question on everyone’s mind—Do 1950’s housewives need zombie pets? The answer is, of course, yes. What self-respecting zombie doesn’t want to belong to the cute mother next door? Sign me up for an afterlife of subjugation and humiliation.
Zombies in the movie are created by radiation from space. When anyone drops dead, they’re back on their feet in minutes as the undead. That kind of turn-around makes for business for Zomcom, a government-funded business dealing in zombie security issues. They are the ones that ensure the undead behave themselves by placing specialized collars around the zombie’s neck that curb their craving for flesh and then placing them in private homes or factories to work.
Weight Watchers has nothing on these guys.
The film is centered on Timmy and his pet zombie, Fido. There are the usual boy-and-his-dog sort of moments. The guys playing fetch, washing the father’s car, beating the snot out of a couple of snot-nosed bullies, etc. Oh and let’s not forget starting a zombie outbreak in the middle of town.
Fido doesn’t have the best zombie makeup effects I’ve seen on film, but they are far from the worst. What makes the movie is a smart script and actors that play it straight. That’s a pet peeve of mine, a hilarious script that’s butchered by actors trying to be funny. Just let it happen. That is exactly what they do here. With a few minor exceptions, like the neighbor with an unhealthy lust for his pet zombie. That one pushed it right up to the line.
I’m going to give Fido four dangling eyeballs out of five. It isn’t a huge-budget film, but that is part of the fun of it. Seeing what can be done with little funding and pure talent at the wheel. Pick this one up for your collection. What are you waiting for? And while you’re at it, someone bring me a snack—just an arm or something. I’m on a diet.
From the undisclosed location of LK Gardner-Griffie
Your Zombie Survival Crew TM commanders are always on the lookout for not only stories of potential zombie uprisings, but ways to improve survivability come the apocalypse. So we were intrigued to learn from Motortrend’s Wide Open Throttle that Robert Kirkman of The Walking Dead fame has collaborated with Hyundai to create the Zombie Survival Machine. Check this bad boy out:
Just imagine plowing through a horde of zombies with that sweet spiked cow-catcher. Wouldn’t you like to get up close and personal with this car? Well, you can. The 2013 Hyundai Elantra Coupe Zombie Survival Machine will be on display at Comic-Con, which runs from July 12-15 in San Diego at the Future US booth, along with a limited-run illustrated owner’s manual. This beauty will be unveiled as a part of a four-episode behind the scenes series on HyundaiUndead.com on July 11th.
If that weren’t enough…a 2013 Hyundai Elantra GT hatchback will be wrapped in the 100th cover of The Walking Dead issue and will be given away on July 31st.
The word on the street is that our Orange Brigade commander, RC Murphy, may be among the merrymakers at San Diego Comic-Con in stealth mode. And I’m sure she’ll be taking the opportunity to size up this newest possibility to keep us safe from the shambling hordes.
MISSION: Rescue one Moira Jones from 6th floor of over run hospital. OBJECTIVE: Search for and rescue Moira Jones and bring to safety. STRATEGY: Rendezvous with fellow members of the ZSC and use skill sets to bring Moira Jones to safety.
Tiffany’s POV: “While I was on the line with her something happened, it sounded like glass breaking and I think something grabbed her. I couldn’t make out much more before the line went dead.” Those words from Commander Flanery echoed in my head. Scared for all of us, I questioned if we’d make it in time and even if we did, would we make it back out? I knew I shouldn’t think about stuff like that, we’d made it this far. But what if we were too late? I shook my head. “No,” I said to myself. Moira counted on us and we were going to get her to safety, no questions asked. Michael and I broke away from the group and made our way through the 5th floor. I took lead. My katana was quieter than Michael’s HK417 chambered 7.62 millimeter. We entered the Burn Unit. The mix of burnt and rotting flesh attacked my nose. I choked. The faint gunshots of the others echoed in the ward as mine and Michael’s boots stomped along the dingy floor. Michael yanked me back into a dark corner. I looked over my shoulder. He put a finger to his lips and pointed over my shoulder towards five walkers shambling down a nearby hallway. He motioned for me to take the two on the left. He’d get the three on the right. I nodded. On the count of three, we charged from the hallway, running towards the walkers. I thrust one of my katanas forward. It slid through both walkers, pinning them to the wall. They growled, clawed and snapped at me. Singed flesh hung from their bodies. Without a second thought I ran the blade of my second katana through their skulls. I cringed a bit, but it needed to be done. I let the bodies hit the floor before pulling my blades free. I shook the blood from them as Michael dropped the last walker with a shot to the head. We looked at each other and nodded. I felt safe knowing Michael had my back.
Orange Brigade
“You ok, Kid?” Michael asked. “Yeah.” “Let’s move out.” I nodded. Michael took lead. That’s when I heard it, growling and shuffling. I lifted my head to see Michael and I surrounded by walkers. Every direction stood a drooling, rotting corpse. We were trapped. I mumbled a few curse words and pressed my back against Michael’s. He looked over his shoulder at me. “Ain’t afraid of these bone heads are ya?” “Of course not.” “Good.” He fired a shot. I swung my katana, sending flesh and blood splattering everywhere. One walker tried to bite; just as he did I rammed my katana blade into its throat. I swung the other, decapitating another walker. It seemed like there were countless walkers. For every one that dropped, two more took its place. I kept telling myself, think of Moira. She needed us. Michael’s gunshots echoed, silencing the skin, heads and blood splattering around us. My clothes were wet with walker blood, but it didn’t matter—I’d swim an ocean full in order to save Moira. Michael and I continued cutting a blood soaked path to the stairway. We were almost at the end. One more floor and we’d meet up with the others. Someone grabbed me. I thought it was Michael, until I felt blood trickle down my arm. Crap. I tried to jerk my hand away. I didn’t feel any pain from a bite, but that could be my body running on adrenaline. Pulling away, the force caused me to drop one of my katanas. Something grabbed my ankle. Before I knew it I was pulled down. My head smacked the floor. Despite being dizzy, I knew I needed to get up. On the floor was the worst position I could be in with a horde of walkers. I rolled over, kicking at the walker who tried to bite my leg. My head throbbed, felt like it may fall off my neck and roll away. I grabbed my other katana and swung, slicing through the abdomen of a walker. Blood and gore spilled onto my jeans and down my arm. Michael yelled, “Kid! Get up!” But I couldn’t. He took a few more shots, then felt him—at least I hoped it was him—grab me by the ankle. Before I knew it, I was being dragged towards the door. I grabbed the pistol from the waist of my pants and fired at a few walkers following us, nailing them in the head. Michael dragged me, leaving carnage behind us. He stopped and yanked me to my feet. We turned, shooting the last four remaining walkers as we backed out the door leading to the stairwell. Michael slammed the door shut and I leaned back against it to catch my breath. If it were a cartoon, my heart would’ve been beating three feet out of my chest. Michael looked at me. Something warm ran down the side of my face. I touched the top of my head and flinch. “Sh*t” Michael shined his flashlight on the wound. He fished in his back pocket, pulling out a black and red bandana and wiped the blood off my face to inspect the cut on the right side of my head right along the hairline. “Damn kid, they got ya good. You didn’t get bit nowhere, did ya?” “No, I’m pretty sure I didn’t.” Michael nodded, wrapping the bandana around my head to protect the cut. He asked me how many fingers he was holding up, what’s my name, who he was. Once satisfied, he stepped back. I regrouped, shaking off the dizzy spell and ignoring the pain in my head to get ready to charge up the steps with Michael. I reached for my walkie-talkie first—needed to give a status report. “Team Rooker, just left the burn unit. Squirrel!!” “Good, Eve and I are on our way up. All’s clear on our end.” Commander Reedus responded. “All’s squirrelly over here” Em chimed in. “Squirrel!!” Jessica added. “Alright then, everyone, let’s get our behinds up to that floor and get our girl.” Michael and I charged the steps. I pushed myself onward. I had no choice. Even as the pain in my head increased, Michael kept telling me to move my butt. We reached the top of the stairs, looked at each other and proceeded to kick the doors open.
From Inside the Desk of RC Murphy Alert Level – Medium-High
For months now we’ve allowed Zombie Survival Crew brigadiers to assume that the danger from the Unnamed Government Agency (UGA) has been a low-level threat. That their persistence in “meeting” with commanders had ended. We cannot in good conscience allow this to continue.
Our new recruits are probably scratching their heads and asking, “Who the heck is the UGA?” Before the ZSC was formed, they contacted our commander-in-chief, Juliette Terzieff, and asked her to gather a crew of like-minded folks to help them determine the severity of the zombie threat and then teach the public important survival tips so that humanity isn’t wiped off the face of the earth. After that, they wanted the newly formed ZSC to expand, bringing in recruits to form a tight-knit group of “survivors”. During the recruiting process we encountered several problems with UGA agents. Shortly after, commanders Juliette and Anthony Guajardo were abducted. During a rescue mission ZSC forces discovered the UGA were actively experimenting on creating undead soldiers.
The ZSC promptly broke from the UGA and they’ve been on our trail ever since.
Below is a series of communications we’ve intercepted between various UGA agents and their command base, starting in January of this year. You will notice a startling trend in their locations. Actions are being taken to counteract their attempts. Do not worry.
Mission Report—January 2012
Agents on duty: M. Hollister, S. Barr
Location: New Mexico
Status: Op. Rental failed. YBC* and OBC* found alternate transport from AZ before we made contact. Backup plan instated. Followed to their meet with RBC*. Listening devices failed. Event location utilized cell blocks in-room. Face-to-face contact confirmed YBC, OBC, RBC, and LBBC* present. Too many witnesses for Op. Curtain Call.
Mission Report—March 2012
Agents on duty: C. Wolf, V. Smith
Location: New Jersey
Status: First contact established with GBC* and SFC*. RBC in attendance as well. One of the target’s recruits caught our tail. Executed erratic and impressive sweep through freeway traffic to lose us. Recruit has been tagged. Smith will do a follow up with her to use as possible inside agent for the region.
Mission Reports—April 2012
Agents on duty: C. Wolf, F. Williamson
Location: Virginia
Status: Op. abandoned. SFC spotted surveillance equipment and utilized a massive group of costumed civilians to keep us from gathering useful information.
Agents on duty: B. White, G. Robinson
Location: Calgary
Status: Suggest updating the photos on file. We could not locate RBC based on what we were sent and lost her in the air terminal. SFC was easier to spot. Bypassed pursuit and went straight to event. Observation only. Canadian counterparts refused to assist in Op. Curtain Call.
Mission Reports —May 2012
Agents on duty: M. Hollister, S. Barr
Location: Texas
Status: Tailed RBC from TX border to DFW. Thought she made us, then realized she’d gotten lost—not an attempt to shake us despite driving in circles for an hour. SFC, GBC, and OBC arrived. Observation only during event, too many civilians. TSA agents failed to hold departing targets as requested, despite planting lead powder on seat OBC used in shuttle. Request inter-department meeting regarding this failure.
Agents on duty: V. Smith, D. Wiggins
Location: Florida
Status: RBC flying solo. Attempted Op. Curtain Call. She vanished inside a gigantic fast food restaurant. Lost contact for six hours. Tracking on RBC vehicle has been compromised. Attempt to re-tag unsuccessful. Target too suspicious after suspicious attack hours south of locale. (Excuse me, sir, but who made that call?) Suggest agents in Pennsylvania make secondary attempt to plant bug on RBC vehicle.
As you know, for quite some time we’ve been keeping an eye on our Orange Brigade Commander, RC Murphy. Her obsession with zombie bunnies and keeping them in the command center, despite the mischief they do, has been a cause for concern. I banned them from my laboratory last year … the third time they chewed through the top-secret communication lines was the last straw. There was much pleading and pouting, but I stood firm.
Our concern escalated when RC attended San Diego Comic-Con, ostensibly in stealth mode, but carrying her furry infatuation with her through the crowds. Please note the white fur-ball attached to her waist in the picture to the right. How she managed to pull off incognito while strapping a zombie to her side, even if it was a bunny, is beyond me, but it is a testament to Commander Murphy’s ninja skills. It is a known fact that zombies become excitable in crowds, like a busload of senior citizens when dropped off at a smorgasbord, so on the surface it would seem our Commander carried her fascination to the point of jeopardizing the security of the Zombie Survival Crew. However, there were no incidents. How did she convince the bunny to play dead, instead of undead?
Is there a complaint form available for an undead guy being tortured by a group of slayers? Honestly, forcing me to watch a Syfy movie and then retain enough of my decomposing brain cells in order to review it is cruel and unusual punishment. Governments have laws against this sort of treatment. It isn’t fair that those laws only extend to the living. I want to call my senator!
Sometimes we have a really hard time keeping track of our 
Just when I was certain that the ZSC commanders would allow me to rot in my cell, they slid a DVD case under my door. Will it never end? Some idiot once said that death brought around ultimate peace, like going to sleep for the rest of eternity. That idiot lied. But at least this time around, my captors weren’t too horrible about my review assignment.
If that weren’t enough…a 
For months now we’ve allowed Zombie Survival Crew brigadiers to assume that the danger from the