Special News Report: You Have A Right To Be Concerned

From inside the zombie bunny cages of RC Murphy

Alert Level: HIGH


Alexander Kinyua

Earlier this week we brought you reports of a man in Miami, Florida that attacked and consumed his victim’s face before being shot and killed by local police. Official reports are stating that the attacker may have been suffering severe psychosis from use of a synthetic drug with the street name of “bath salts” (Not to be confused with the rose and lavender bath salts you gave your grandmother for Mother’s Day). As more witness statements are released, we realize that if the drugs are indeed to blame, then manufacturers may have found a way to turn living, breathing humans into the closest thing we’ve seen to a zombie.

On the heels of that startling attack comes another. In Baltimore, Maryland a college student claims to have murdered a man and then proceeded to eat portions of his brain and the entirety of his heart before dismembering his body. The assailant kept the head and hands, then disposed of the remaining pieces of the body in a dumpster at a nearby church. As of right now authorities are unsure if Alexander Kinyua actually ingested any portion of his victim—pending a full autopsy report from the coroner.

Unlike the Miami incident, there are no noticeable signs that drugs fueled the attack. Local police refused to comment or make assumptions on the mental health of Kinyua to determine if that factors into his disturbing behavior.

Kujoe Agyei-Kodie

What would push a seemingly healthy human to attack, kill, and supposedly eat someone that’d lived with his family for the last six months? This wasn’t the first time this month that Kinyua attacked another person. The first assault happened about a week prior to his cannibalistic confession. It was reported that, after sitting with a baseball bat clutched in his hands and muttering to himself for several minutes, Kinyua beat a fellow student. That victim was treated for severe injuries, including a fractured skull that cost him the sight in one of his eyes. Before that, classmates and neighbors considered Kinyua to be a decent guy, a little quirky, but always willing to help. His behavior did a full turnabout in the matter of weeks. But why? That is the most difficult part to figure out.

We’re growing increasingly concerned at the news reports coming across the Command Center desk. This report of cannibalism is not the second, but third, extremely violent incident in a matter of weeks—all located on the east coast.

Two of the locations coincide with the travel schedule of our leader, Juliette. Last weekend, she was just hours from Miami during the assault. This week, she made her way to Baltimore in preparation for the Philadelphia Comic-Con within days of the attack. She had no clue about it until we sent out a warning broadcast to commanders in the area.

Is there something in the water? The locations are too far spread out for any sensible source to be pinpointed. All we can do is warn brigadiers to remain vigilant.

If you see someone or something suspicious, do not engage. This is not an outbreak as far as we’ve determined. Report all incidents to local police. We will be monitoring things from ZSC Command. If any more details surface that alter our opinion on a possible outbreak, you will be notified.

Special News Report: Get Your Go Bags Ready

From behind the zombie bunny cages of RC Murphy
Alert Level: High

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Commander Monday segment to bring you vital information which may indicate the zombie apocalypse may be heating up.

Often we hear news tidbits that force us to double-check our go bags and weaponry. However, nothing caught our attention about the reality of what we’re facing in the near future like this news article from the Miami Herald.

Here’s a rundown of what the police have released so far. On Saturday May, 26th at approximately 2:00 PM local time, police received reports that two men were in an altercation on a bicycle path alongside a freeway off ramp. Police arrived on the scene and described the situation as a nude man hunched over another man…apparently eating his face.

Yes, you read that right. They claim that the attacker chowed down on the victim’s face. Police used verbal warnings to break up the situation. When that proved ineffective, they shot him. The first shot had no apparent affect. Five more shots were fired into the attacker, according to witness reports. The attacker died on the scene. Paramedics took the victim to a nearby hospital in serious condition—his face unrecognizable.

Police theories right now state that the attacker was suffering from “cocaine psychosis”, which drives a person insane as they literally cook from the inside out (this also explains why he was found nude during the assault).

The police are allowed their theories. We’re allowed ours. Numerous ZSC brigadiers brought this article to our attention, and we thank them for that. This may indeed be a drug-induced psychosis as Miami police claim. Or it could be the first wave in zombie activity. The fact that the man did not react as a human should when the first shot was fired is disconcerting. Lack of pain response is one of the first signs we look for when determining if a person is in fact infected by the zombie virus. It is very rare that psychotic rages push someone to the point of devouring a living human, despite what we’ve seen in the movies. There must be something more to the story than what they’re telling the public.

Also, it is significant to note this incident took place while our commander-in-chief, Juliette Terzieff, is at Spooky Empire May-hem educating the masses on how to respond during a zombie apocalypse. Coincidence? We don’t think so. The chief has checked in to assure everyone her go bag is with her and ready to go. She has given the pre-deployment signal to command, so we are standing by awaiting her further instructions at this time. We are on high alert, and this is NOT a drill.

Please, be on your guard. We will be keeping a close eye on any further reports from the Miami police regarding this situation.