Starring: Kesun Loder, Billy Connolly and Carrie-Anne Moss
Just when I was certain that the ZSC commanders would allow me to rot in my cell, they slid a DVD case under my door. Will it never end? Some idiot once said that death brought around ultimate peace, like going to sleep for the rest of eternity. That idiot lied. But at least this time around, my captors weren’t too horrible about my review assignment.
In Fido (2006) filmmakers answer the burning question on everyone’s mind—Do 1950’s housewives need zombie pets? The answer is, of course, yes. What self-respecting zombie doesn’t want to belong to the cute mother next door? Sign me up for an afterlife of subjugation and humiliation.
Zombies in the movie are created by radiation from space. When anyone drops dead, they’re back on their feet in minutes as the undead. That kind of turn-around makes for business for Zomcom, a government-funded business dealing in zombie security issues. They are the ones that ensure the undead behave themselves by placing specialized collars around the zombie’s neck that curb their craving for flesh and then placing them in private homes or factories to work.
Weight Watchers has nothing on these guys.
The film is centered on Timmy and his pet zombie, Fido. There are the usual boy-and-his-dog sort of moments. The guys playing fetch, washing the father’s car, beating the snot out of a couple of snot-nosed bullies, etc. Oh and let’s not forget starting a zombie outbreak in the middle of town.
Fido doesn’t have the best zombie makeup effects I’ve seen on film, but they are far from the worst. What makes the movie is a smart script and actors that play it straight. That’s a pet peeve of mine, a hilarious script that’s butchered by actors trying to be funny. Just let it happen. That is exactly what they do here. With a few minor exceptions, like the neighbor with an unhealthy lust for his pet zombie. That one pushed it right up to the line.
I’m going to give Fido four dangling eyeballs out of five. It isn’t a huge-budget film, but that is part of the fun of it. Seeing what can be done with little funding and pure talent at the wheel. Pick this one up for your collection. What are you waiting for? And while you’re at it, someone bring me a snack—just an arm or something. I’m on a diet.
Rating: Unrated (mild violence and adult language)
Starring: Dominic Monaghan, Ron Perlman and Larry Fessenden
I stepped outside my norm with this film. First, I Sell the Dead is a period piece. Secondly, this isn’t so much a zombie flick as it is a movie that happens to have zombies in it. Third, I let the casting sway my decision to watch. Hey, Dominic Monaghan made an impression in those movies about a ring or some such. Curiosity forced my hand. Good thing I’m not a cat, huh?
The film takes us through the career of a grave robber while he’s delivering his gallows speech to a no-nonsense priest. Right off the bat, what caught my attention was the humor laced in the script. There were moments that felt like one of those weird stage shows, very Waiting for Godot without all the, you know, waiting. Well there was some waiting, but that was me waiting for zombies (until I got impatient and looked in the mirror).
Via flashbacks we watch our friendly neighborhood grave robber become an apprentice and learn how, exactly, to break into a coffin. As time progresses he teams up with his mentor to grave rob as a full time job. They are forced by the tight grip of the law to look to other sources outside graveyards to procure corpses for the doctor that’s hired them. Their first try introduces the pair to the reality of vampires. After they successfully deliver the vampire’s body, the strange dead and undead begin to find them. Including the corpse of an alien, which sparks a turf war between rival grave robbing gangs. Apparently, being a ghoul is profitable enough to kill over. Who knew!
Eventually, as always happens, the final bit of fun and games happened when someone accidentally discovered packing crates filled with zombies. Our grave robbers are led into the fray by a pair of perky breasts disguising a ruthless heart and there’s a proverbial tug of war with the animated corpses that ends with someone losing their temper…and several important body parts.
While witty, some viewers may find the pacing of I Sell the Dead a bit of a turn off. This is not your usual horror flick with tons of jump scares, though it has a few moments where you don’t know whether to laugh or shriek. I give this movie three and a half severed arms out of five. If you want a dose of British humor with a swig of the morbid and dash of paranormal monsters, check out I Sell the Dead.
Starring: Brandon Routh, Sam Huntington, Anita Briem, and Taye Diggs
Zombies, and vampires, and werewolves… oh hell.
Poking around the internet usually leads me to a few shining gems as far as zombie movies goes. This isn’t exactly a zombie movie, but yet another film that utilizes zombies in some fashion. Never one to discriminate against my fellow undead, I decided to give Dylan Dog: Dead of Night a chance.
The film follows a private detective, Dylan Dog, and his assistant Marcus as they are dragged back into the realm of the supernatural for a murder case. This isn’t Dylan’s first trip around the paranormal merry-go-round and his past quickly catches up to pay a visit as he uses old connections to investigate the death of his client’s father. Luckily he’s used to dealing with the dead, while working Marcus meets with the toothy side of a zombie and is turned, without losing an ounce of his sense of humor.
Apparently in the universe of the film there are two types of zombies, those who feed on humans and those who don’t. Zombies who abstain from flesh eat worms and other gross things to get necessary nutrition. They are somewhat frail and decay quicker than their flesh-eating counterparts. All of the zombie rules were run through pretty quickly after Marcus awakes in the morgue, conveniently run by a pair of the vegan-esque zombies. I’m glad to see that for once the undead aren’t the bad guys, but instead function as comedic relief and sidekicks. About time, if you ask me.
Despite Marcus’s undead state, he and Dylan go on to do their sleuth thing. They go toe to fang with vampires and werewolves, even taking on the mother of all zombies. Oh and insert random demon, because we didn’t have enough paranormal entities to keep track of. (I had to take notes, no kidding!)
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night had a lot of potential. Unfortunately this movie suffered from casting problems. Actually, only one big, glaring problem… Routh as the jaded Dylan Dog. The character was written for someone at least ten years older. Unless there is a plot point, such as Dylan has an extended lifespan and only appears to be around 30, there’s no way to believe some of the dialog coming from his mouth. He talks of old times with the vampires and I can’t help but think, “What, you were chatting up vampires in your Pampers, dude?” If they’d tweaked the character I would have enjoyed Routh’s performance more. Instead it felt like he tried to do a bad Constantine impression.
I’m going to give Dylan Dog:Dead of Night three and three-quarter decaying feet out of five. Most of that goes to Sam Huntington for amusing me so much as a newly dead zombie. Brought back fond memories.
Rating: Unrated (intense violence, disturbing images, and adult language)
Even zombies get the holidays off, apparently. I even received some gifts from the fat guy in a red suit. Unfortunately most of what he gave me consisted of more movies to review. Nice going, Santa. You’re on their side, I know it. Once the holidays were over, I picked a flick at random and ended up watching Colin.
In the early days of the Zombiepocalypse, Colin is attacked and infected. After his death and revival, he ventures out into a city both generous in meals yet dangerous for the undead. Humans—zombie slayers—do their best to keep Colin and his kind down for the final count, his sister amongst them. Will she save him or join him?
Sounds awesome, right? It would have been had the plot not taken until an hour into the movie to actually manifest. Most of the footage ended up being random shots designed to show off special FX makeup skills. While I admit the gore was fun to watch, it would have been even more enjoyable if I could make sense of what was happening. Hardly any of the characters talked. Not just because they’re zombies. The few humans in the film uttered all of two lines each. By forty-five minutes in I realized all the thought and prep work went into the zombie attacks and makeup, with little thought left for an actual script.
There were a few bits that were enjoyable. Colin’s first fight sequence proves that not everyone has a knack for fighting. He must have tried to jab a pairing knife into that zombie’s skull about fifteen times before finally accidentally hitting a spot soft enough to do any damage to the thing’s brain. Why can’t more zombie slayers be this bumbling? I wouldn’t be locked up watching these movies, then.
I know that the filmmakers were trying to make the zombies sympathetic. It only worked in the case of Colin, and even then not very well. The humans in contrast with the undead were too stupid to survive. There wasn’t a challenge for them until towards the end. Even then the zombies took out half the humans that attacked them. Next time these folks want to make a movie, I’d suggest more time on the plot, less time playing with blood. You would have had something here with more thought put in.
I give Colin two-and-a-half diseased brains out of five.
There comes a point where you judge a movie by its cover… and fail miserably—complete with flailing arms and desperate cries of agony. No, the cries weren’t from victims of a zombie attack on the screen. It was me. Crying and beating against the door of my cell. Lets just get this review of DIE-ner over with, shall we?
Here’s the story we were promised: A serial killer hitches a ride to a failing diner in the middle of nowhere. Realizing the opportunity handed him when the place is nearly deserted, he kills the minimal staff and sets up his own sort of murderer’s paradise. That is, until his victims start coming back to life with a hunger for flesh.
What came across felt, for the most part, like a string of bad auditions. There was even the bad audio where one actor could be heard clearly while the other’s performance sounded muffled as they stood behind the camera. Top that off with plain ol’ bad acting and five minutes in I wished for someone to come put me out of my misery. Only one actor, the guy playing the witless sheriff, seemed to be trying to do his part with any believability.
Normally I’d say, well… if the acting sucks and the script isn’t worth a damn, lets see how the makeup effects hold up. These too were disappointing. Protip for wannabe filmmakers: fake blood from the Halloween store looks awful on screen. Opt for a higher quality “Stage Blood” or make your own. A gallon of homemade blood is cheap and doesn’t look like you dipped your actors in red food coloring, then left them to dry in the sun.
This is one of those movies where everyone, even the zombies are Too Stupid To Live. That does not make for entertaining viewing. And where I’d normally try to find something nice to say, I can’t in this case. Oh wait; there was lots of duct tape. Everyone likes duct tape, right?
DIE-ner is bad heaped on bad, topped with bad. I give it one-and-a-half severed feet out of five. Save yourself the misery and avoid this film.
Possibly the most fun we’ve had here in the Command Center this month—aside from playing with the new machetes we got in our stockings—came from reading what you all thought our movie reviewer A. Zombie would want from Santa Claus. And while there were a lot of answers that made us laugh so hard our sides hurt, only one person managed to guess more than one item on his wish list.
Without further ado, the winner of our December contest, who’s getting something nifty from our prize closet, is Brim89. Congratulations!
Just for fun, here is A. Zombie’s unedited letter to Santa Claus:
Dear Man in the Red Suit, I’ve been told you are the one to talk to about this present thing. This Christmas I would like the following items delivered to the fake, plastic tree-like monstrosity beside the furnace:
Bone Saw
Suture kit
Lock pick kit
The Walking Dead season 1 Bluray (what? A guy needs good entertainment between bad B movies.)
Gift card to local butcher
A severed arm in a pear tree
GOOD MOVIES
Sincerely, A. Zombie
Remain vigilant, crewmembers. Another opportunity to win something from the ZSC prize closet will be coming up sooner than you think.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock you know that a) the holidays are sneaking up on our collective tail and b) the Zombie Survival Crew’s resident movie reviewer isn’t actually alive. There’s a long story about how we came in possession of the cantankerous A. Zombie. One day we’ll all gather around a campfire and I’ll share the tale. Rest assured, he has been secured in a safe place within the ZSC compound. No accidental nibbles from our reviewer. Promise.
Traditionally, zombies don’t celebrate the holidays, but A. Zombie has been watching us decorate the Command Center and grew curious about all of the hustle and bustle. The other day he slipped a letter under his cell door.
Dear Man in the Red Suit,
I’ve been told you are the one to talk to about this present thing. This Christmas I would like the following items delivered to the fake, plastic tree-like monstrosity beside the furnace:
[…Content removed…]
Sincerely,
A. Zombie
We had to have a little fun with this. Your job, dear ZSC faithful, is to tell us three items from A. Zombie’s letter to Santa Claus. The crewmember that gets the most items correct will win something from our prize closet. Easy as that.
The contest will be open from December 16, 2011 (12-16-2011) until December 24, 2011 (12-24-2011).
Rules and Regulations:
One entry per person
Entries may be submitted in the comments below or emailed to command [at] zombiesurvivalcrew [dot] com with the subject line “A. Zombie’s Wish List”.
Entries submitted via Twitter or Facebook will be disqualified.
Entries must be received by December 23, 2011 (12-23-2011) at 11:59 PM PST.
Entrants must be registered members of zombiesurvivalcrew.com. (If you are not, registering is FREE and EASY. Sign up HERE.)
When submitting entries, you give Zombie Survival Crew permission to post your name and contest entry on zombiesurvivalcrew.com and its associated social media outlets.
Winners will be notified via email.
So, do you have any idea what a zombie would want as a present? Tell us what you think.
Rating: NR (mild violence, sexual references, adult language)
If anyone ever tries to convince you that the ladies from the ZSC are kind and forgiving, laugh at them. They have torture down to an art form. Normally, watching zombie flicks isn’t too bad. I’ve actually enjoyed the majority of them… until today. I tried to like Last of the Living, I really did, but there were too many flaws to do the premise justice.
Three guys find themselves the only survivors in New Zealand after a zombie outbreak. Their main nemesis isn’t the undead trying the chew off their faces, but total and utter boredom, having no one else to interact with. Or so they thought… Until they blunder into a church and miraculously find a scientist working to find a cure.
The three friends are caricatures. Bad ones. You have the egotistical actor, the shy nerd, and the failed jock/musician. Ten minutes into the movie I wanted to gnaw through their vocal cords. This is a first for me; I’ve usually made it half way through before becoming ravenously hungry.
On the zombie action front, there wasn’t really any. The undead got a couple decent jump scares, but for the most part they were just slow, cheesy, and apparently not very hungry. They didn’t attack so much as stumble into the lead actors on accident. Lazy zombies starve, someone should tell them that.
One thing that did work was the fact that these characters are so self-centered that they don’t seem capable of adapting to the fact that the world as they know it has come to an end. They spend their time ogling women in exercise DVDs and worrying about getting a copy of the latest CD from their favorite band instead of worrying about the long-term ramifications of what is going on around them, the apocalypse. That character flaw was the most believable thing written into the script.
I’m going to give Last of the Living two and a half bashed in heads out of five. The premise had promise, but overall execution just didn’t work. Parts where they could have been moving the plot along were filled with bad jokes. If you want a movie to sit and watch for the sake of watching a b-movie, oh and zombie farts, this is a decent choice.
Don’t ask me why I’m on a foreign movie kick lately. They are just… there and some of them happen to look halfway decent before clicking play. Dead Snow (2009) is a good example of judging a book by its cover. The poster art for this film was what caught my interest while looking for the next movie to sink my remaining teeth into. So, I thought, why not give it a go?
Great idea. (Note the mild sarcasm.)
Dead Snow starts with a random scene where a mostly unseen menace chases a girl through a snow-covered forest. Makes not a lick of sense and I’ve come to expect that with a lot of the movies I review, to be honest. We’re then introduced to the main cast, a group of pre-med students who’ve decided to spend their Easter vacation at an isolated cabin. These early scenes where the friends banter back and forth are painful and drag on for long enough to be considered torture by the Third Geneva Convention. Things don’t begin to get interesting until a Creepy Old Man™ shows up out of nowhere to explain why the students are idiots for staying on that mountain.
What has the old coot shaking in his fur-lined boots?
Nazi Zombies.
That’s not a typo. The old guy tells a (rather long) story about a regiment of Nazis that were chased out of a local village after tormenting the residents and stealing all of their gold. No one knew where the regiment disappeared to after they made their way into the mountains, but legends suggested they became the undead, hunting the landscape for people stupid enough to tread on their turf.
After that we finally get in on the zombie action. The Nazi zombies are surprisingly agile and quick, despite the extremely cold temperatures. And, I’ve got to say, the makeup used for the movie is great. Aside from the cheesy plot and questionable acting at times, the best parts are during the series of attacks that round out the latter half of Dead Snow. It was easy to get wrapped up in the action when blood flowed like water in a stream during spring. I’d estimate that filmmakers used enough of the red stuff to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
I’m giving Dead Snow 3 ½ dismembered bodies out of 5. The ½ being for my favorite scene, a moment shot from the point-of-view of someone being eaten by zombies. I’ve never seen anything like it before… except at the moment of my own death. This is a good movie to watch on a lazy weekend afternoon. I’d skip the popcorn, though.
I think I’ve figured out why most modern zombie movies are aimed at teenagers. One- Teenagers are very tender. I’m not talking about mushy love stuff, here. Their muscles are still growing, developing. That makes them easier to chew. Two- Sex sells. Easy to understand that, right? Teens are driven by hormones and it is too easy to prey on that. Throw in boobs, a splash of blood and a few intestines; ta-da! instant zombie movie.
Night of the Living Dorks (2004) is the English translation of a really crass, humorous German zombie flick. Actually, it is the only film I’ve reviewed to date that I’ve seen once, before re-watching to review it. Even the undead have funny bones to tickle.
The movie dumps us into the world of three friends who aren’t exactly the most popular kids in school. As a matter of fact, they are laughing stalks, constantly being harassed by the school’s rugby team. And of course, one of the so-called “dorks” has a crush on a jock’s girlfriend. This is where things get weird. In a bid to win her affection, he turns to a group of Goths that dabble in Voodoo in order to convince them to do a love spell. The girl in the group, an old friend (and maybe someone that likes our dork), tells him to meet them at the cemetery to watch a ritual meant to revive the dead.
Needless to say, something went wrong.
Bumbling antics and a good, stiff breeze, alter the spell and after our trio of awkward friends leave the cemetery, they die in a car accident… only to wake up hours later in the county morgue. Great. Now they’re dead, dorky, and still don’t have any luck with the ladies.
Their luck slowly changes. As do their appetites, but devouring humans comes with a price. They begin to decay… and some “favorite” parts are snapped off just when victory is in hand. Luckily one of them carries a staple gun for emergency reattachments. (Can you say, ouch?!)
For them, like so many, the life of a zombie isn’t all they thought it would be and they turn back to the cute Goth girl for a cure. Wimps!
The juvenile humor in this movie alone gets a 3 ¾ severed fingers out of five. It’s American Pie with rotting body parts.
Just when I was certain that the ZSC commanders would allow me to rot in my cell, they slid a DVD case under my door. Will it never end? Some idiot once said that death brought around ultimate peace, like going to sleep for the rest of eternity. That idiot lied. But at least this time around, my captors weren’t too horrible about my review assignment.
I stepped outside my norm with this film. First, I Sell the Dead is a period piece. Secondly, this isn’t so much a zombie flick as it is a movie that happens to have zombies in it. Third, I let the casting sway my decision to watch. Hey, Dominic Monaghan made an impression in those movies about a ring or some such. Curiosity forced my hand. Good thing I’m not a cat, huh?
Zombies, and vampires, and werewolves… oh hell.
Rating: Unrated (intense violence, disturbing images, and adult language)
Rating: Unrated (Violence, Adult language)
Contest Ninja: RC Murphy
Contest ninja: RC Murphy
