It’s time for another round of myth bashing with your Zombie Survival Crew commanders. We do all of the research on the myths you guys send our way to be sure none of us end up chow during the Zombiepocalypse.
Myth: Cutting off a zombie’s head is just as good as destroying their brain.
Fact: Taking shortcuts will get you killed.
Did you know that the human brain can survive up to two minutes without blood being actively pumped to it from the heart? That is a normal brain in a normal body, without any zombie funny business mucking things up. Neat, huh?
Now we have to mix in the various definitions of zombies—all of whom in fact have no heartbeat to drive their bodily systems. Zombies undergo a reversal of sorts from how we are hardwired to function. The animalistic portion of the brain drives them and that’s it. The nervous system, which regulates heartbeat and lung function as well as pain receptors, doesn’t come back on line. Essentially a switch is flipped and they become eating machines without the ability to step away from the meal and say, “I’m full” because that portion of their body just doesn’t function.
What does that have to do with decapitation? Everything.
Zombies do not need their bodies to be attached to their heads in order to “live”. Everything is contained within their grey matter. So even if you send their head flying a good fifty feet away from the rest of their body, the zombie will still attempt to sate the unrelenting hunger propelling them through the world. This doesn’t pose much of a threat unless you leave the head lying somewhere without destroying the brain. Someone could walk past unawares and get within biting range. Ankles biters are still fully capable of infecting someone. That infection will be brought back to your base camp.
Boom. Outbreak amongst the survivors.
Not to mention, leaving a zombie’s head to lie there snapping at passing squirrels and hikers is simply inhumane. The ZSC has always taken the stance that if you must kill an infected human or dispatch a zombie, do it as humanely as possible. If you were in their shoes would you want to become a potential soccer ball for the undead? I think not. So yes, decapitation works, but only to neutralize the threat. After that, you must destroy the zombie’s brain so there are no accidental attacks.
What zombie myths have you heard? Submit your myths in the comments below and we’ll do our best to prove if they are fact or just plain nonsense.
We are back for another installment of myth bashing with your Zombie Survival Crew commanders. This series strives to separate fact from fiction so that you all have a snowball’s chance in Hades of surviving the Zombiepocalypse.
Myth: Save the space program! We can use the space shuttles to haul all of the zombies out into space and watch them blow up.
Fact: You’ve been watching one too many Sci-Fi movies.
A few facts about space: First, space is a vacuum. It is devoid of air pressure. In contrast, Earth has approximately fourteen pounds of pressure weighing us down. To counteract, our bodies push back against this pressure with equal force. When exposed to a vacuum, the pressure inside the human body doesn’t magically turn off to balance things out. Instead the unchecked pressure builds, creating tiny gas bubbles in bodily fluids that expand, testing the elasticity of human skin and the capacity of our chest/stomach cavity. (Imagine a marshmallow in the microwave here.) It doesn’t take very long for swelling from the gasses to cut off blood and oxygen, leading to brain death.
Got all of that? Good.
Now we need to look at physical characteristics of a zombie. They don’t breathe, so they wouldn’t asphyxiate when dumped into space, which is what generally kills humans first. Almost all zombies have wounds deep enough to pierce the dermis, if not rupture the body cavity, so in theory it would take longer for the pressure to build in a reasonably fresh body. (I say in theory because, lets be honest, it would take years of studying to know all the facts on this stuff.) But once the pressure did build, brain damage would be severe enough to dispatch the zombie permanently. That and they’d be a deadcicle from the water vaporizing out of their body and freezing as gasses expand.
“What if space aliens find the zombies?”
Really? Okay, fine. We’ll go there.
As I’ve stated, the undead would be frozen. Freezing does preserve certain bacteria, but it could also destroy the microbes. It is impossible for us to know if the temperature would drop low enough to destroy whatever it is that reanimates the corpses. Barring any cellular changes from the radiation found naturally in space, it could be possible if an alien species found the Earth’s dirty laundry floating in space for them to be exposed to it once the zombies defrost.
That doesn’t mean there would be alien zombies navigating through space, though. If the species is, say, reptilian in nature, they likely won’t have enough in common genetically for the zombie virus to jump over to them. That isn’t to say that they wouldn’t be infected by it. It just wouldn’t affect them as it affects humans. The virus may even begin to mutate through the generations to eventually turn this alien species into zombies. That would be far off from the discovery of Earth’s undead, however.
(Of course, seeing as we have no proof of alien species existing, that whole explanation was simply to appease Sci-Fi fanboys. We live to serve.)
What zombie myths have you heard? Submit your myths in the comments below and we’ll do our best to prove if they are fact or just plain nonsense.
Welcome back to another round of myth bashing, Zombie Survival Crew style. This series is dedicated to uncovering the truth behind the tales one might hear while preparing for the Zombiepocalypse. We’re here to make sure you don’t end up digesting in a zombie’s stomach early on because you followed bad advice.
Myth: When being chased by zombies, the only safe place is to climb up a tree.
Fact: There may actually be some truth to this one.
It takes a good amount of coordination to be able to climb a tree. Most adults loose the flexibility (and lack of sense) necessary to traverse the tricky feat of making it more than one or two branches off the ground. Zombies are often encumbered by broken or missing limbs and severe muscle damage resulting from decomposition. They can hardly walk in a straight line, let alone direct their bodies to accomplish the difficult task of climbing.
But that isn’t to say they cannot make it up the tree somehow.
What the undead lack in motor skills, they make up for in sheer numbers. So sure, you think you’re fine and dandy sitting up in the branches of a tall tree, carefully picking off the zombies clawing uselessly at the trunk, but they’re drawn to the noise of the gun and the fuss their cohorts are making. Bodies pile up quickly. It is a lot easier to scramble on a writhing pile of moving corpses that don’t get upset when you step on their faces—there’s more horizontal surface to work with, therefore requiring less muscle. It wouldn’t take a large horde very long to build up enough for one zombie to body surf up and cling to a branch.
The question is, how dangerous would a treed zombie be?
Probably not very dangerous. What would kill you is dehydration, starvation, and exposure to the elements. Even if you make it up the tree with your heavy go bag in tow, it won’t have enough in it to tide you over until the horde disperses. They have one focus—food. And guess what? You’re the only item on their menu once they catch your scent.
However, we are not opposed to camping out in a sturdy and well-secured tree house. First of all, the idea just sounds cool. Secondly, if you use a rope ladder that can be pulled up and a very tall tree, there is very little chance of a zombie making it all the way up to your safe haven. This idea only works for individual survivors and not on a permanent basis. Hauling enough supplies to live on up a rope ladder would be backbreaking work, even if you pre-stored most of your items before the attacks began. We suggest using a tree house as an initial “get out of Dodge” location before moving on to a ZSC resupply station in your sector. But make sure you aren’t followed. Once a group of zombies surrounds your tree, getting back down to the ground to move on to a safer location will be very dangerous.
What zombie myths have you heard? Submit your myths in the comments below and we’ll do our best to prove if they are fact or just plain nonsense.
From Inside the Desk of RC Murphy Alert Level – Medium-High
For months now we’ve allowed Zombie Survival Crew brigadiers to assume that the danger from the Unnamed Government Agency (UGA) has been a low-level threat. That their persistence in “meeting” with commanders had ended. We cannot in good conscience allow this to continue.
Our new recruits are probably scratching their heads and asking, “Who the heck is the UGA?” Before the ZSC was formed, they contacted our commander-in-chief, Juliette Terzieff, and asked her to gather a crew of like-minded folks to help them determine the severity of the zombie threat and then teach the public important survival tips so that humanity isn’t wiped off the face of the earth. After that, they wanted the newly formed ZSC to expand, bringing in recruits to form a tight-knit group of “survivors”. During the recruiting process we encountered several problems with UGA agents. Shortly after, commanders Juliette and Anthony Guajardo were abducted. During a rescue mission ZSC forces discovered the UGA were actively experimenting on creating undead soldiers.
The ZSC promptly broke from the UGA and they’ve been on our trail ever since.
Below is a series of communications we’ve intercepted between various UGA agents and their command base, starting in January of this year. You will notice a startling trend in their locations. Actions are being taken to counteract their attempts. Do not worry.
Mission Report—January 2012
Agents on duty: M. Hollister, S. Barr
Location: New Mexico
Status: Op. Rental failed. YBC* and OBC* found alternate transport from AZ before we made contact. Backup plan instated. Followed to their meet with RBC*. Listening devices failed. Event location utilized cell blocks in-room. Face-to-face contact confirmed YBC, OBC, RBC, and LBBC* present. Too many witnesses for Op. Curtain Call.
Mission Report—March 2012
Agents on duty: C. Wolf, V. Smith
Location: New Jersey
Status: First contact established with GBC* and SFC*. RBC in attendance as well. One of the target’s recruits caught our tail. Executed erratic and impressive sweep through freeway traffic to lose us. Recruit has been tagged. Smith will do a follow up with her to use as possible inside agent for the region.
Mission Reports—April 2012
Agents on duty: C. Wolf, F. Williamson
Location: Virginia
Status: Op. abandoned. SFC spotted surveillance equipment and utilized a massive group of costumed civilians to keep us from gathering useful information.
Agents on duty: B. White, G. Robinson
Location: Calgary
Status: Suggest updating the photos on file. We could not locate RBC based on what we were sent and lost her in the air terminal. SFC was easier to spot. Bypassed pursuit and went straight to event. Observation only. Canadian counterparts refused to assist in Op. Curtain Call.
Mission Reports —May 2012
Agents on duty: M. Hollister, S. Barr
Location: Texas
Status: Tailed RBC from TX border to DFW. Thought she made us, then realized she’d gotten lost—not an attempt to shake us despite driving in circles for an hour. SFC, GBC, and OBC arrived. Observation only during event, too many civilians. TSA agents failed to hold departing targets as requested, despite planting lead powder on seat OBC used in shuttle. Request inter-department meeting regarding this failure.
Agents on duty: V. Smith, D. Wiggins
Location: Florida
Status: RBC flying solo. Attempted Op. Curtain Call. She vanished inside a gigantic fast food restaurant. Lost contact for six hours. Tracking on RBC vehicle has been compromised. Attempt to re-tag unsuccessful. Target too suspicious after suspicious attack hours south of locale. (Excuse me, sir, but who made that call?) Suggest agents in Pennsylvania make secondary attempt to plant bug on RBC vehicle.
Over the course of the years, we’ve heard a lot of people claim they know the perfect way to avoid becoming a Happy Meal for the undead set. Sometimes these ideas seem so founded in fact that they may actually work when the Zombiepocalypse kicks into high gear. Unfortunately, after some digging most of these claims prove to be well thought out wishes, but provide little in the way of real safety.
In this series, your Zombie Survival Crew commanders will take a look at some of the more prevalent myths surrounding surviving once the earth is overrun by the undead.
Myth: Zombies can’t swim, so I’m going to live on a boat, yacht, island, etc.
Fact: To put it bluntly, this is a very naïve idea. If we all used this train of thought, people would be digging moats around their neighborhoods after the first zombies crawled out of their graves. All a moat would do is ensure other humans couldn’t gain access to the supplies you’ve stored. But it also isolates you, keeps you separated from those who are capable of helping to protect your family.
The truth is, zombies don’t breathe. Fear of drowning is what keeps a large percentage of people from learning how to swim or going into the water at all. However, after death there is nothing to stop them. Cadavers found in water are somewhat buoyant; they float near the surface during decomposition because of gasses trapped in the chest and abdomen. For normal bodies, this lasts for as long as it takes to dispel the gas. It is unknown how much of the gasses from decomposition stay in a zombie. So while the undead may lack the coordination to compete in the 100 meter freestyle in the Olympics, they can float and move around enough to execute a very basic “doggy paddle” to propel themselves through water.
“Well, what if the zombies don’t float?”
Then you will have a situation like in Land of the Dead (2005) where the zombies entered the water and sank like stones (which is what happens to the dead once their chest cavities burst and release built-up gasses anyways). Once submerged, the undead simply walked along the bottom of the lake. In this instance your only chance to use water to keep the zombies at bay is to find a chunk of land surrounded by swift-moving rivers. The force of the water would knock them downstream, but then you are back to my original point… isolation. How long could you survive on what you have stored and the limited hunting available on an island?
What zombie myths have you heard? Submit your myths in the comments below and we’ll do our best to prove if they are fact or just plain nonsense.
Earlier this week we brought you reports of a man in Miami, Florida that attacked and consumed his victim’s face before being shot and killed by local police. Official reports are stating that the attacker may have been suffering severe psychosis from use of a synthetic drug with the street name of “bath salts” (Not to be confused with the rose and lavender bath salts you gave your grandmother for Mother’s Day). As more witness statements are released, we realize that if the drugs are indeed to blame, then manufacturers may have found a way to turn living, breathing humans into the closest thing we’ve seen to a zombie.
On the heels of that startling attack comes another. In Baltimore, Maryland a college student claims to have murdered a man and then proceeded to eat portions of his brain and the entirety of his heart before dismembering his body. The assailant kept the head and hands, then disposed of the remaining pieces of the body in a dumpster at a nearby church. As of right now authorities are unsure if Alexander Kinyua actually ingested any portion of his victim—pending a full autopsy report from the coroner.
Unlike the Miami incident, there are no noticeable signs that drugs fueled the attack. Local police refused to comment or make assumptions on the mental health of Kinyua to determine if that factors into his disturbing behavior.
Kujoe Agyei-Kodie
What would push a seemingly healthy human to attack, kill, and supposedly eat someone that’d lived with his family for the last six months? This wasn’t the first time this month that Kinyua attacked another person. The first assault happened about a week prior to his cannibalistic confession. It was reported that, after sitting with a baseball bat clutched in his hands and muttering to himself for several minutes, Kinyua beat a fellow student. That victim was treated for severe injuries, including a fractured skull that cost him the sight in one of his eyes. Before that, classmates and neighbors considered Kinyua to be a decent guy, a little quirky, but always willing to help. His behavior did a full turnabout in the matter of weeks. But why? That is the most difficult part to figure out.
We’re growing increasingly concerned at the news reports coming across the Command Center desk. This report of cannibalism is not the second, but third, extremely violent incident in a matter of weeks—all located on the east coast.
Two of the locations coincide with the travel schedule of our leader, Juliette. Last weekend, she was just hours from Miami during the assault. This week, she made her way to Baltimore in preparation for the Philadelphia Comic-Con within days of the attack. She had no clue about it until we sent out a warning broadcast to commanders in the area.
Is there something in the water? The locations are too far spread out for any sensible source to be pinpointed. All we can do is warn brigadiers to remain vigilant.
If you see someone or something suspicious, do not engage. This is not an outbreak as far as we’ve determined. Report all incidents to local police. We will be monitoring things from ZSC Command. If any more details surface that alter our opinion on a possible outbreak, you will be notified.
From behind the zombie bunny cages of RC Murphy Alert Level: High
We interrupt our regularly scheduled Commander Monday segment to bring you vital information which may indicate the zombie apocalypse may be heating up.
Often we hear news tidbits that force us to double-check our go bags and weaponry. However, nothing caught our attention about the reality of what we’re facing in the near future like this news article from the Miami Herald.
Here’s a rundown of what the police have released so far. On Saturday May, 26th at approximately 2:00 PM local time, police received reports that two men were in an altercation on a bicycle path alongside a freeway off ramp. Police arrived on the scene and described the situation as a nude man hunched over another man…apparently eating his face.
Yes, you read that right. They claim that the attacker chowed down on the victim’s face. Police used verbal warnings to break up the situation. When that proved ineffective, they shot him. The first shot had no apparent affect. Five more shots were fired into the attacker, according to witness reports. The attacker died on the scene. Paramedics took the victim to a nearby hospital in serious condition—his face unrecognizable.
Police theories right now state that the attacker was suffering from “cocaine psychosis”, which drives a person insane as they literally cook from the inside out (this also explains why he was found nude during the assault).
The police are allowed their theories. We’re allowed ours. Numerous ZSC brigadiers brought this article to our attention, and we thank them for that. This may indeed be a drug-induced psychosis as Miami police claim. Or it could be the first wave in zombie activity. The fact that the man did not react as a human should when the first shot was fired is disconcerting. Lack of pain response is one of the first signs we look for when determining if a person is in fact infected by the zombie virus. It is very rare that psychotic rages push someone to the point of devouring a living human, despite what we’ve seen in the movies. There must be something more to the story than what they’re telling the public.
Also, it is significant to note this incident took place while our commander-in-chief, Juliette Terzieff, is at Spooky Empire May-hem educating the masses on how to respond during a zombie apocalypse. Coincidence? We don’t think so. The chief has checked in to assure everyone her go bag is with her and ready to go. She has given the pre-deployment signal to command, so we are standing by awaiting her further instructions at this time. We are on high alert, and this is NOT a drill.
Please, be on your guard. We will be keeping a close eye on any further reports from the Miami police regarding this situation.
Hang on to your hats! Convention season is in full swing for your Zombie Survival Crew commanders. So far we’ve scouted new troops in Albuquerque, New Jersey, Virginia Beach, and Calgary. Our next stop puts us in Dallas, TX for Texas Frightmare Weekend. How many loyal brigadiers will we see there?
The brave Commanders attending Texas Frightmare are:
We’ll be holding a brand new Con-test during the Saturday and Sunday of Texas Frightmare! The zombie bunnies RC keeps as pets in the Command Center have escaped and we think some of them stowed away in her luggage. Find the zombie bunny hiding on the ZSC table and win something special from us!
One prize per day, so you better be quick! Never know where the zombie bunnies will show up…
If you are following us on Twitter (@TheZSC) you’ve probably noticed that we’re creeping up on 2,000 followers over there. Pass the word along to your friends, family—anyone you want to be safe and secure when the Zombiepocalypse begins. When we reach 2,000 Twitter followers, we’ll pick a random follower to win a signed copy of our first anthology, Undead is Not an Option!
Rating: Unrated (intense violence, disturbing images, and adult language)
Even zombies get the holidays off, apparently. I even received some gifts from the fat guy in a red suit. Unfortunately most of what he gave me consisted of more movies to review. Nice going, Santa. You’re on their side, I know it. Once the holidays were over, I picked a flick at random and ended up watching Colin.
In the early days of the Zombiepocalypse, Colin is attacked and infected. After his death and revival, he ventures out into a city both generous in meals yet dangerous for the undead. Humans—zombie slayers—do their best to keep Colin and his kind down for the final count, his sister amongst them. Will she save him or join him?
Sounds awesome, right? It would have been had the plot not taken until an hour into the movie to actually manifest. Most of the footage ended up being random shots designed to show off special FX makeup skills. While I admit the gore was fun to watch, it would have been even more enjoyable if I could make sense of what was happening. Hardly any of the characters talked. Not just because they’re zombies. The few humans in the film uttered all of two lines each. By forty-five minutes in I realized all the thought and prep work went into the zombie attacks and makeup, with little thought left for an actual script.
There were a few bits that were enjoyable. Colin’s first fight sequence proves that not everyone has a knack for fighting. He must have tried to jab a pairing knife into that zombie’s skull about fifteen times before finally accidentally hitting a spot soft enough to do any damage to the thing’s brain. Why can’t more zombie slayers be this bumbling? I wouldn’t be locked up watching these movies, then.
I know that the filmmakers were trying to make the zombies sympathetic. It only worked in the case of Colin, and even then not very well. The humans in contrast with the undead were too stupid to survive. There wasn’t a challenge for them until towards the end. Even then the zombies took out half the humans that attacked them. Next time these folks want to make a movie, I’d suggest more time on the plot, less time playing with blood. You would have had something here with more thought put in.
I give Colin two-and-a-half diseased brains out of five.
There comes a point where you judge a movie by its cover… and fail miserably—complete with flailing arms and desperate cries of agony. No, the cries weren’t from victims of a zombie attack on the screen. It was me. Crying and beating against the door of my cell. Lets just get this review of DIE-ner over with, shall we?
Here’s the story we were promised: A serial killer hitches a ride to a failing diner in the middle of nowhere. Realizing the opportunity handed him when the place is nearly deserted, he kills the minimal staff and sets up his own sort of murderer’s paradise. That is, until his victims start coming back to life with a hunger for flesh.
What came across felt, for the most part, like a string of bad auditions. There was even the bad audio where one actor could be heard clearly while the other’s performance sounded muffled as they stood behind the camera. Top that off with plain ol’ bad acting and five minutes in I wished for someone to come put me out of my misery. Only one actor, the guy playing the witless sheriff, seemed to be trying to do his part with any believability.
Normally I’d say, well… if the acting sucks and the script isn’t worth a damn, lets see how the makeup effects hold up. These too were disappointing. Protip for wannabe filmmakers: fake blood from the Halloween store looks awful on screen. Opt for a higher quality “Stage Blood” or make your own. A gallon of homemade blood is cheap and doesn’t look like you dipped your actors in red food coloring, then left them to dry in the sun.
This is one of those movies where everyone, even the zombies are Too Stupid To Live. That does not make for entertaining viewing. And where I’d normally try to find something nice to say, I can’t in this case. Oh wait; there was lots of duct tape. Everyone likes duct tape, right?
DIE-ner is bad heaped on bad, topped with bad. I give it one-and-a-half severed feet out of five. Save yourself the misery and avoid this film.
Fact: Taking shortcuts will get you killed.
Myth: Save the space program! We can use the space shuttles to haul all of the zombies out into space and watch them blow up.
Fact: There may actually be some truth to this one.
For months now we’ve allowed Zombie Survival Crew brigadiers to assume that the danger from the 
Fact: To put it bluntly, this is a very naïve idea. If we all used this train of thought, people would be digging moats around their neighborhoods after the first zombies crawled out of their graves. All a moat would do is ensure other humans couldn’t gain access to the supplies you’ve stored. But it also isolates you, keeps you separated from those who are capable of helping to protect your family.
Often we hear news tidbits that force us to double-check our go bags and weaponry. However, nothing caught our attention about the reality of what we’re facing in the near future like this 
Rating: Unrated (intense violence, disturbing images, and adult language)
Rating: Unrated (Violence, Adult language)